blink
by deadgurlagain
Summary: The gift of music has been taken away from Sherlock how will he cope with out his violin? Rated M not sure yet of final vision of this story. Triggers about abuse somewhat graphic First fan fic. Comments welcome. if its rubbish or if you like it please leave a comment.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1-NUMB**

_**Not all wounds are visible-**_

"**Defiantly a two glass day." Molly said to the empty flat while pouring herself another glass of red wine. Not because of the multiple autopsies she had performed but because once again she had not been able to speak one concise sentence to Sherlock Holmes.**

**A indelicate snort broke the silence , "nothing new there." She always managed not to sound intelligent around that man . Her, Molly Hooper, youngest pathologist at 's was all ways reduced to a stammering sixteen year old ninny when ever he came around.**

**Grabbing the bottle and heading to her worn out but comfortable couch curled up with her glass of wine hit the play button to the stereo system in her flat as music started to fill up the flat she sighed again and said nope guess it is a three glass day after all. It had been one of those days...**

**Her work had went well, she was after all accomplished at her work but that man ! Sherlock Holmes could make her completely flummoxed She knew he could be cruel with his deductions but most of the time she understood that he was only doing that because wanted to keep everyone at arms length. .For someone so brilliant with deductions he really knew little of the human condition and he was human weather he wanted to be or not.**

_**Who wishes he was not Molly?**_** That strong, rich baritone brought molly up short. She could feel the flush creeping somewhere from at her toes all the way to the cheek of her face. God ! She had to break that habit of talking out loud. Turning from the told imposing gorgeous man peering over the microscope she tired to explain. ****_Sorry Sherlock, thinking about a friend.._**

_**Oh due spare me the details Molly I am trying to think and would appreciate not to be subject to your bad habit of verbal diarrhea. The files do you have them ? **_** His long violinist 's hand stretchered out to have what he had asked the pathologist for.**

_**Molly**_** had forgotten all about the files that Sherlock had asked for feeling sheepish she handed the required file over to Sherlock . Turning to leave before the tears in her eyes fell she started to walk toward her office. She was all most to the safety of her office when she heard ****_coffee two sugars _come from behind her. Shaking her head she mumbled _kay _and went o get Sherlock his coffee.**

**Now usually she would go get the coffee and return but for today she took a detour knowing that she needed to compose her self she rode the lift to the top of St Bart's to get some much needed air. Pulling out her iPod she hit play and closed her eyes.**

**Did you think it wouldn't hurt **

**did you think I wouldn't feel **

**when the world came falling down **

**or maybe you didn't think at all **

**and that's why I feel what I feel now **

**did you think I wouldn't bawl **

**did you think i wouldn't cry **

**did you think I wouldn't beg you to stay **

**one of these days you are going to realize **

**just what you threw away**

**The harsh notification of a text cut off the rest of the bitter sweet song and jarred her back to reality. Her knowing who the text was going to be from didn't stop her from opening the file.**

**did you get lost – S.H.**

**Sherlock Heard when Molly returned with his coffee and since she had taken so long, he decided a slight scolding was in order. Turning to his friend John Watson he said loud enough for even the dead to hear ,_ see John I told you she would not get lost in her own hospital to and from the canteen though why she felt the need to go to the roof since she doesn't smoke , maybe she did get a bit lost after all. _ By the time his deductions were done he had already turned back to the microscope and forgotten all about Molly Hooper and Dr John Watson. Once leaving his blogger to make his apologies for him (Sherlock would never see the point of such sentiments)**

**Mortified John mouthed _sorry,_ to the considerate pathologist who had brought not only Sherlock coffee but him as well along with a few pastries.**

**After the shock of once again being the brunt of a Sherlock deduction, She quietly set the coffee down on Sherlock left side and passed the quiet Doctor his coffee and pastries.**

_**Thanks Molly –**_** At least one of them could be polite and it seemed to put some happiness back onto Molly's face.**

_**Oh you are welcome John, I know you don't all ways get to eat when **_

**Before she could even get that simple kind sentence out, Sherlock pounded a fist heavily onto to the table glaring at both of them,_ OH DUE SHUT UP I AM TRYING TO THINK!_ **

**Now with anyone else she would not have tolerated such behavior in her morgue but it was Sherlock Holmes and all she could do was just close her mouth on that last word and walk away.**

**Watching Molly walk back to her desk he turned to his friend an pain in the arse flatmate and hissed _, would it kill you to say please and thank you and not to shout and a person who is doing you a nicety ! _ Sherlock just raised his brow a unspoken comment there –_ that's why I have you – Watson_ just looked at him for a second more and blew out the word_ right ! _Turning away mumbling about prats and arses he walked toward where Molly was finishing up her paper work at her office. He never looked back and so never saw that Sherlock watched him and Molly through half closed eyes.**

**After all the time Sherlock and John had spent in her lab she could tell their footsteps upon the tiled floor , not wanting to be seen as weak she made sure her smile was in place by the time John reached her desk. Tiding her desk she smiled at her friend.**

**John once again found himself trying to apologize on behalf of his social inept flatmate, but Molly stopped him first with her too brite smile and a toss of her pony tail. _ John, it's Sherlock I know."_**

**Before she could finish Sherlock standing at the door cut in._ John if you have finished your insufferable chatting, Lestrade called they found him. WE have got to go._**

**Molly closed her eyes of course he would have heard her.**

**The lift's doors were about to close when Molly joined them. Looking Molly over he deduced that she did not have a date tonight, so why was she leaving early?**

**Molly hated when Sherlock tried to deduce her but there was no way she was saying the truth that she had reached her embarrassment quota for the day and was just going home to hide. So she lied. _Nothing big just a hen night ya know. _As soon as she said it she knew that once again she had said or done the wrong thing. What had John quoted Sherlock as saying once?**

_**DO NOT LIE TO ME I KNOW I ALL WAYS KNOW.**_

**But before she could change it to something closer to the truth Sherlock had started up._ That is not true … _molly heard john give a cautioning Sherlock but the detective plowed on,_ if you had been going out if only with the hens as you call it. You would have taken more pains with your appearance today before coming to work since it now 9 o clock at night all little late to start clubbing I deduce that you are going home to have your glass off wine curl up and watch some sentimental movie till you fall asleep on your couch._ Mercifully the lift doors opened and Sherlock walked out carving up the meters with his long strides, with one last apologetic look at Molly John left and followed the tall detective.**

**Back at her flat sitting on her couch after reliving the horrible day with Sherlock , she allowed her self a small smile. Sherlock didn't have it all right. Grabbing the remote sipping she wine she let the music fill her flat.**

_**I**_**'ve become so numb I can't feel you**

**there become so tired so much more aware**

**I'm becoming this all I want to do **

**is be less like me or more like you **

**can't you see your smothering me **

**holding too tightly afraid you'll lose control **

**cause everything you thought I would be **

**has fallen apart right in front of you **

**every step that I take is another mistake to you **

**and every second I waste is more that I can take **

**and I know I may end up falling too**

**but I know you were like me too**

**with someone disappointed in you**

**The last haunting notes faded in the flat but Molly had not heard them having been asleep well into the second chorus. Her last coherent thought was tonight wasn't going to be a good night.**

**-blink-**

**A four year old Molly standing in front of her parents silently crying from a dislocated hip from a push down the flight of stairs from her twin Mike and the long week before they believed that she was truly hurt and had gotten her medical treatment. To this day rainy cold days meant her hip hurt which was all most all the time it was London. They never believed her about her brother.**

**-blink-**

**Five year old Molly crying from another whipping because she could not hear her Mummy calling for her, and another and another.**

**-blink-**

**A fifth teen year old Molly being yank back to the bath room while her Mum was screaming that she looked like a whore and had scrubbed the mascara and pink lip gloss Molly had dared to wear to school off her face, ignoring her daughters tears of pain.**

**At school where she felt so disconnected to the kids around her for her nerdy, mousy appearance and her dedication to her studies.**

**-blink-**

**In uni and Mike sneering that she had to pay to have friends after she had been accepted into an academic society because who would want to be friends with a cow like her.**

**In the stillness of her flat only Toby, her cat, was witness to Molly sobbing in her sleep praying to what ever god exist to make it stop.**

_**CHAPTER 2-NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN**_

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." NEIL GAIMEN

**After picking Molly's door; Sherlock took in what he was seeing , Molly curled up on her couch, whimpering , tears falling down her face , her arms trying to ward off blows that only she could see and feel. Sherlock went to see if her could wake her up from whatever nightmare she was locked into. _ Dr Hooper wake up , I require your assistance. _Sherlock tentatively put his hand on her shoulder trying not to startle the young woman. _ Molly Hooper wake up. _ Some where in the throws of the nightmare Molly knew who was there with her frantically she fought that he must see this OH GOD SHERLOCK CAN NEVER WITNESS THIS! And frantically started kicking and fighting for real to get away from the horror-scape that was her dreams.**

**The only reason he was here was after numerous texts with no replies both he and John ( well John at least) was worried. Sherlock was just annoyed at the delay, but crouching next to the flaying Dr. Hooper, he felt something. Something he didn't understand and whatever he didn't understand he locked away in his mind palace to not have to think about it till later. That was about the time he caught a flat handed slap upon his finely sculpted cheekbone. Shocked he looked down expecting to see a very Molly Hooper but instead saw she was still trapped in the dream.**

**_So To prevent any more damage upon his visage he tried a different approach grabbing both her wrist and pulling them above her head he leaned in a whispered, Molly its me, Sherlock, wake __up you're safe, wake up. _**

**_-_blink-**

_**Sherlock... oh, **_**Molly opened her eyes to find that the mesmerizing tree- colored eyes of Sherlock Holmes were scant inches from her face. A squeak escaped her and she fought to pull her self together from the dream to reality.**

**-blink-**

**why is he in my flat**

**-blink-**

**why is he holding my wrists **

**-blink-**

**oh god! How much did he hear or see **

**-blink-**

**I must look a fright **

**-blink-**

**why is his cheek bleeding **

**It was the last rapid fire question that pulled Molly back to the world of the fully awake. Squirming out of Sherlock's grip she rose up muttering about band-aids and nerosporin. She had her slight crease on her brow like she all ways did when thinking to herself. She was chuckling to herself about something when Sherlock caught part of it. _ John did say he had a bad habit …_**

**With two long strides Sherlock was in front of Molly eyes blazing -_WHAT HAS HE TOLD YOU ! _ He invaded her personal space to get his answer. To Molly he looked scared frightened but this was Sherlock Holmes she must be mistaken. _ Hmm.. nothing except that sometime you pick locks. _**

**Sherlock felt his customary smirk fall back into place, his secret was safe, _ oh yes I do saves time. _Turning to Molly he put on his most charming smile. I_ know it is late and I have woken you up but there has been another murder and I need to look at the body, I was hoping …_**

**Molly felt a bit grumpy, glancing at the clock she open her mouth paused as if to not say the wrong thing but settles on what she thought was a safe statement._ It is 3 am Sherlock why didn't you text me?_**

**Sherlock who had been pacing taking in everything that he could see, walked straight to her bedroom grabbed her phone and brought it to her with an elegant flip of his wrist he handed it over._ I did._**

**Opening the phone she saw four new messages flashing at the top. **

**new murder need to see body. SH 1:45 am-**

**why are you not hear yet? SH 2:15 am **

**Dr. Hooper what is keeping you? SH 2:15 am **

**John and I are on our way. SH 2:30 am **

**Molly looked up from her phone seeing that Sherlock was making his way around the apartment taking in everything that she was away from the lab, She needed to distract him from seeing too much. _ I'll be down in a second if you want to wait for me in the cab._**

**An absentminded, _ No -i will wait here - hurry up, _ was the only answer she got.**

**Walking around the flat Sherlock busied him self with making deductions about Molly Hooper ; organized but cluttered ,likes red wine , kept up to date with newest forensic journals seeing the remote he was curious as to which movie she had fallen asleep to and pushed play. The telly didn't come on but music swelled out of the speakers in the flat.**

**Molly paused in getting dressed as the Moody blues begun to play.**

**Gazing at people some hand in hand **

**just what I'm going through **

**they can't understand**

**some try to tell me thoughts they can not defend**

**just what you wan to be **

**yo will be in the end**

**Nights in white satin **

**never reaching the end **

**letters I've written **

**never meaning to send **

**beauty I' ve all ways missed with these eyes before **

**just what the truth is, I can't say any more**

**Molly opened her door ready to apologize for her taste in music but the sight of? Sherlock stopped her. He was standing still hands in his pockets eyes closed as if savoring the music. Molly let the song finish wondering if he had even heard it before. **

**When the song ended Sherlock opened his eyes and went straight to the corner where a room divider was moving it aside he smiled at what he found. **

**Sitting behind the divider was 2 guitars and 8 wood wind instruments plus stacks of music and a stand . _All ways something _he muttered but happy with the surprise he had found . Turning to Molly, Sherlock started for the door. _ Coming doctor? _**

**With a quiet sigh, molly closed and locked the door.**

**Forty five minutes later they were all back at the lab. Molly along with John were trying to stay awake. Seeing his blogger and his pathologist both drop dead tired. Sherlock knew he had to take pity on those mere mortals that could not do with out sleep. _ John hand me my coat and head back to baker st you need to sleep. Your cab will be here in 5 min._**

**A quiet,_ sleep well Molly, _was the last thing she remembered after a comforting warmth had settled over her shoulders.**

**Two hours later Sherlock had his answer her turned to tell John but remembered he had sent him home looking for Molly he didn't see her either. _ I am being brilliant here and no one is here to be impressed!"_**

**Heading to her office he falters as he see a pair of feet sticking out from behind her desk that strange sensation is back and he ruthlessly shuts it behind THAT door and hurries into the office. No scent of fresh blood-good – nothing disturbed good- by that time he see his pathologist curled up on air mattress asleep and using his coat as a duvet. Impressed that she has foresight to have one handy for nights like this he decided to let her sleep a while longer. Glad to see that it is peaceful sleep. He knew she had not been sleeping well but he did not know why. Seeing what a mess he had made of her lab he decided to tidy it up for her and let her sleep a while longer. His coat would be no worse for the wear as use as a duvet. **

**Going back to tidy up – why no one ever thought he was capable of that – he spotted Molly's I pad on her desk. After seeing her collection of instruments and that song which was nice even if it was pop.. what music did molly Hooper listen to? He placed the earphone on and looked at Molly's play lists.**

**-cleaning music-**

**-drive time-**

**-wrist slitting music to make you feel better -**

**-fuck you –!_!? what?_**

**-Concerto in B flat for guitars, strings and woodwinds-**

**Figuring since he was cleaning up he would start with the cleaning music but realized that cheesy 80's pop did not suit he moved onto drive time which wasn't much better – hair bands really ? The third list wrist slitting music to make you feel better what did she mean by that title ? Had Molly at one time tried – no she couldn't have not with her bright smile and hopeful outlook. It had to be something else so he hit play and just listened for a while...**

**if this world id wearing thin '**

**and you're thinking of escape **

**I'll go anywhere with you **

**but if you try to go out alone **

**don't think I'll understand **

**stay with me**

**stay with me **

**in the silence of your room **

**in the darkness of your dreams **

**you can only think of me there**

**can be no in between**

**when your pride is on the floor **

**I'll make you beg for more**

**stay with me **

**stay with me**

**Sherlock Holmes , man who could see everything , did not see Molly approach him . he was stilled, the music once again and pulled him out of his mind palace and stilled his racing thoughts . So when Molly touched his arm startled he spun swinging a fist and connected with Molly!**

**Before she could fall from the blinding pain in her jaw ,Sherlock had pulled her close to his chest. An agonized sound came from some where near his heart and once steadied he let he go to asses the damage and to truly apologize. Seeing the bruise on her chin(_HIS FAULT) _he looked at her eyes the tears were there but she would not let them fall.**

_**I was listening to your I pod I didn't hear you and when you touched me. It startled me I reacted and I am so sorry ….**_**He went to touch her cheek and Molly flinched actually flinched away from him.**

**Horrified that he had struck Molly, his friend, even by accident shook The usually unflappable detective to his core. Flashes of memory that would not be deleted ran behind his eyes. he fought to get them back behind the door and lock them up in his mind but the would go quietly.**

**Just as he has gathered himself together to try to talk to Molly a loud Crack rang out in the lab and Sherlock looked around to see where the noise had come from.**

_**Sherlock you're bleeding !**_** Forgetting her discomfort she walked back to the tall detective and removed he now shattered I pod from his left hand. He hadn't even been aware of squeezing the piece of tech until the glass had shattered in his hand.**

**Looking at his hand Molly knew her ghosts were there ready to come and torment her but she didn't have the time right then to listen . Looking carefully over his hand, removing the glass and assessing the damage she didn't realize she had started talking again under her breath._ Not now Sherlock needs my help you can rip me up later but not now!_**

**Looking at the damage to his hand Molly knew most were minor cuts but the one that troubled her the most was to his index finger it was deep and bleeding quite a bit. Right at the second joint all the way across she swore she saw cartilage there. Dragging a subdued Sherlock to brighter lights at the sink. She saw that it really was cartilage she was seeing and knew that nerve damage may have occurred.**

**She then thought of that wonderful violin at Baker st and what it would mean if he never could play it correctly again. Tears threatened but she held them back. She had to take care of Sherlock. Knowing he would not take anything to dull the pain she started the process of stitching him up.**

**A single tear hitting his open palm broke Sherlock from his paralysis, thinking Molly was crying because he hit her. He tried again to apologize (John would be impressed a part of his mind noted). Touching her back gently he felt her muscles stiffen as if expecting another blow, then slowly relax. Before he could start Molly turned and looked at him.**

**Molly didn't quite understand what she was seeing. His face looked more- more animated -more involved -more human that she had ever seen it._ Oh Sherlock I know I scared you. I know you would never deliberately hurt me like that if you had heard me walking up. It is OK I understand._**

**_So then why are you crying?_She watched as her friend rebuilt himself right before her eyes. The detective, the seeker of answers, the man all slid back into their proper places.**

_**As silly as this will sound to you Sherlock, I am crying for your violin at Baker ST. **_**If it hadn't been so sad Molly would have giggled at how his eyebrows disappeared behind his unruly brown hair only to drop down again. A non-verbal I don't get it. Swallowing the knot in her heart and her throat she continued.****_ I have heard you play, john says you are an amazing composer and I am scared that you have nerve damage that could keep up from properly playing your violin. _Taking a breath to steady her self she finished her thought._ And your music Sherlock is the only time you allow yourself to feel anything._**

**Feeling his intense gaze on her like she was some unusual lab rat that further his research and her customary response to that scrutiny Molly got up and with a muttered _getting some more bandages be right back _and an even lower _way to go Molly. _She left the lab.**

**When she got back to the lab Sherlock was gone. In his haste he had left his coat behind still wrapped around Molly Hooper.**

**CHAPTER 3**

"I never asked you to earn me. I want only that you should need me. Your path is not one of merit. Bring the recurring desires of your mind to me, every time they emerge. They cannot shock me, for I willed them! Bring me your confusion, your **fear**, your craving, your anxiety, your inability to **love** the world, your hesitation to serve, your jealousy, all the deficiencies that defy your spiritual disciplines." Sri Sathya Sai Baba

**The ride back to 221b baker st He thought about what Molly had said. She was wrong he did not play to express sentiment or to god forbid feel it. It allowed a part of him to rest to think letting the pieces of everything he had deduced so far fall into place. Still if he could not play he would be losing a large piece of his mental arsenal, but it wasn't his left hand with its blood and stitches that truly had him concerned. It was his right hand, the one that hit Molly.**

**-blink-**

**A lanky 6 year old Sherlock reeling from a smack from his imposing dad telling to Not embarrass him in front of guests, before the quest had even arrived. **

**-blink-**

**Slightly older 8 year old Sherlock on the floor bleeding from a broken nose after diverting his fathers rage away from his mother.**

**-blink-**

**A nine year old Sherlock hold his violin for the first time. A gift from mummy to give him another outlet for his active brain and active hands. He cans till remember the wooden smell of the case being opened for the first time.**

**-blink-**

**A stoic some what sad Sherlock holding still as Mycroft and Mummy fix his upper lip where his father had cut him for dropping a piece of toast onto the kitchen rug.**

**Shoving all those memories away except for the one of his violin, he closed the stain battered door that plainly said childhood.**

**Sprinting up the stairs he went to his window where it was stored ready if he should need to think something out. He tried to play anything but between the stitches and the swelling he could not assess if he would be able to play at all after this. _Damn sentiment see what folly it gets_ _you!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Dr. Watson was slightly concerned when he got back home to Baker St. The door was ajar and he could hear noises coming from the flat. Worried someone had broken in he cautiously claimed the stairs to his flat. Seeing nothing out of place, Sherlock looked as if he was in his mind palace, he set about making them a cup of tea. Once it was ready he called out for Sherlock. Tea sometime brought him back from the palace as if it was fuel to run that fine tuned engine he called a brain, Smiling to himself, he thought that maybe it was. All humor was forgotten though when he saw the large puddle of blood underneath Sherlock's hand and how the detective looked paler than usual.**

**Alarmed that the tall detective had truly hurt himself, John ran to Sherlock and with shake of his shoulders, roused the quiet man from his thoughts. **

**When he tried to take Sherlock's hand to inspect the damage, Sherlock pulled away and cradled his hand to his chest. **

"**Stop being a child and let me see it!" John's usual patience with Sherlock did not apply when he was hurt.**

**Sherlock stopped short of rolling his eyes but did as the doctor bid. John noted that all the cuts had been cleaned and covered but the largest cut with the stitches had reopened before he could ask his friend how this had happened, Sherlock recounted what had happened in the lab(he had hit Molly!).**

"**well Sherlock we need to get you to Bart's so this can be restitched, it is probably going to have to be immobilized as well."**

**John looked at his some what dazed friend. He wondered just how much blood had he lost since he wasn't even complaining about having to go back to the hospital. **

**The officious doctor informed Sherlock that the splint had to stay on for at least 6 weeks otherwise the stitches would just keep reopening. The only time he could take it off was to change the bandages and to shower. What Sherlock wanted to do was tell this little man his whole life story- from the affair with his male assistant to the dinner he had with his wife last night- but he refrained from doing that. He had a question to ask, a worrisome question, that he desperately need the answer for.**

"**So Doctor, is their any nerve damage?"**

**-**blink-

_A sad Molly Hooper crying over his hand._

-blink-

_No, not thinking of that._

**John noticed that Sherlock gave a slight shake of his head as if to dismiss an unpleasant thought – no scratch that an incorrect thought, and realized that they had both missed the doctor's answer. He sheepishly asked the doctor to explain it again.**

"**Well the cut was very deep and he is showing some signs of nerve damage, numbness and such, but we need to let the cut heal, then have a neurosurgeon look at it and see about reconnecting the nerves." John ever the doctor knew what this could mean and by the quicksilver look in Sherlock's eyes- a flash of panic, easily missed- he knew it too.**

**Across town, a sore Molly Hooper surveyed her own damage. The bruise on her chin had turned a spectacular shade of purple and had managed to spread up toward her cheekbone. She hadn't blamed Sherlock for hitting her. SHE should have known better to walk up behind anyone. If it hadn't resulted in her monster of a bruise she would have laughed at surprising the usually hyper aware Sherlock Holmes. For one brief moment she considered not going into Bart's (all the questions) but she also knew embarrassment was kinda normal for her there but how to explain it so that Sherlock wouldn't get in trouble.**

**-blink-**

_**Molly, are you OK you are limping?**_

_**No big deal twisted my ankle.**_

_**-blink-**_

_**Are you going to the dance?**_

_**Nah, Mom thinks I am not old enough for it, besides I feel awkward trying to dance.(**_**truth was no way to hide multiple bruises with a silly frock)**

**A few minutes later, her answer for all the upcoming questions had her smiling, she closed the door and headed off to work.**

**Once he got back to Baker St, Sherlock sat and just looked at his violin. Thinking about how Molly had described it. His solace the only time he allowed himself to feel. She had only heard him play once how had she deduced that! How had she seen the truth. John who resided here and had received the brunt of his playing, good bad or angry, did not seen that truth. Knowing that for the next six weeks he would be denied his music, he desired to go to his mind palace instead and consider what Molly had said. That is when he discovered that the splint made it difficult for him to achieve the almost trance like state he needed to work there properly. For a moment the world tilted for him. If two of his tools were disabled how would he function. The palace was where everything worked itself out. **

**After a lengthy and headed discussion with John, they re-wrapped the splint so that the index finger was still immobilized but the rest of his hand was free. Trying again he arranged his hands under his chin and found the door to the palace open, but he felt wary of actually going through the door. He knew what a been brought to the very front of his mind. The one door that he had hoped that by rejecting sentiment he would never have to face. It was a blacken and scarred door with the word childhood incised into the wood. Locks and chains held the door closed but he saw that they were old and rusty not to last much longer. So instead he walked past it to where resent events were stored for cataloging later.**

**HE HAD HIT MOLLY! It kept circling around his mind, making him sick to his stomach. He felt that door, that hated door, crack open and all the things he feared came racing toward him. Hateful, hurtful and all too true memories raged at him in his mental fortress. He barely had enough time to brace himself before the monsters took over.**

**-blink-**

_**His mother huddled in her chair, making herself small, while his brute of a father berated her for some imagined slight.**_

_**-blink-**_

_**Mycroft escaping the hell by going off to school and leaving a six year old Sherlock confused as to why.**_** The adult Sherlock placed his undamaged hand over his heart. The feeling of abandonment raw once again.**

**-blink-**

_**A sullen resentful 7 year old Sherlock staring up at the man who had just broke his nose daring him to finish it. No tears, no fear just determination is mother should not have to suffer any more.**_

_**-blink-**_

_**The backhanded slaps for no other reason that the fact that they were breathing and were there. His father's unreasonable anger at everything.**_

_**-blink-**_

_**Molly's eyes as fear crept into them at his slap – oh dear god no – it was a punch.**_

**The thoughts that he was a monster just like his father even after all he had done to prevent that fate, tore through Sherlock's palace.**

**Now john had just walked into the sitting room when Sherlock put his head in his hands, pull at his own hair .he heard what he thought was a moan come from his friend. A second later he realized Sherlock had moaned nooooooooooo. Now Concerned about this new mood he sat down across from his friend. Since he hadn't noticed John tried again.**

"**Sherlock?"**

**A mumbled, "not talking bout it" was his answer. Undeterred John tried again.**

"**Sherlock what is wrong?"**

**When Sherlock hear that worried tone, he decided that maybe John, emotional John, normal John, could help him with this. He couldn't look a him though. It made him too vulnerable, to scared. Taking a shaky breath he began.**

"**John, have I ever tell you about my childhood..."**

**Three hours later after he had went through all the horrors of the abuse , he looked up at his friend expecting to see pity on John's face. the good doctor was sitting there quietly hands balled up,eyes closed and tears quietly falling but to Sherlock he didn't look like he pitted Sherlock, no he actually looked pissed. A fond thought crossed his mind , Good old john looking out for me unlike... he stopped that bitter thought. Mycroft had been a child also and when told to do something you did it. Some where in his mind palace his memories started to rearrange themselves. At least the ones concerning Mycroft did.**

**After hearing Sherlock's story. John sat there and tried to compose himself. Family is a gift! The elder Holmes was a right bastard! No wonder Sherlock disdains sen6timent and doesn't like to be touche. No wonder he retreats to his mind palace , and cuts himself off from everyone. Look what example of a role model he had. When he opened his eyes he was struck speechless . Non emotional, analytical Sherlock Holmes was crying. Not a sound escaped him he just sat there, eyes closed, tears running down his face.**

**Sherlock started into the face of his father and he watched the features morph into his own familiar face. He searched something to hold onto in his palace, he was drowning in the memories and John couldn't help him with this and Molly was flinching away from him. Looking up knowing he was defeated he turned to John.**

"**Call Mycroft. I need help."**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

**Now Molly had managed to dodge the questioning glances she got at work, but when she got asked what had happened. She shrugged it off and stated with the big lie.**

"**Bar fight and you should see the other guy!" and when she got the "yeah right look", she then went with the smaller more believable lie. "not paying attention walked into a room divider." All the while smiling as if too say "you have met me right? That is so me!"**

**-blink-**

_**Aw Mom it's nothing that stupid cat just scratched me. **_**Instead of Mike raked his fingernails down my arm.**

**-blink-**

_**Sorry mom.. .I fell at school and now my back hurts.**_** Truth was she was Mike personal punching bag and he was oh so careful not to land punches where the bruises would show. He knew she would tell on him cause the repercussions would be horrific.**

**In her lab she noticed the remains of her pink iPod. It made her think of Sherlock's hand and his frightened eyes once he realized he had hit her. She understood it had been an accident . after a year and a half out there on his own dismantling Moriarty's network of criminals, she should have walked around to the front of him before getting his attention. His instincts had kicked in that was all. .It wasn't like he deliberately set out to hurt her.**

**The day proceeded to be a quiet one so Molly just caught up with the never ending paperwork . After her lunch, her boss Mike called and told her that he was switching up the rest of the shift and that Paul was going to finish up her shift. Knowing he must have a good reason for it and she thought she going to ask why but what came out was "how bad." **

**Mike filled her in on the details, 13 year old apparent suicide. Mike knew cases like that really got to Molly and tried to spare her when ever he could. But before he could continue Molly cut him off saying that the day was all ready half over and she would do it.**

**Mycroft was bit shocked when his Althea informed him that John was on the line. Answering he was about to ask what was wrong but John beat him to it.**

"**He asked for you to come, Mycroft." a pause "and Mycroft, he is crying."**

"**be there in 10."**

"**thanks"**

**Scared at what was going on at Baker st, He practically ran out the door barking orders for his car and the Doctor be put on stand by just in case.**

**The Autopsy of Brianna Deitz, age 13 , was one for the books . The small pudgy dark hair, dark clothes made Molly think , this could have been me. Her small frame bore classic signs of years of systematic abuse. Just a lost child that should not have ended up in a morgue. The slashes on her wrists mirrored the ones that Molly herself bore. Molly quietly documented all her findings, speaking quietly into her recorder documenting the girls suffering. After finishing the preliminary autopsy she sent tissues off for testing and placed the child into one of the cold crypts until they came back. The jarring noise of her phone startled her out of her thoughts. 1 new text was waiting to be read.**

**Are you OK? -jw**

**Molly sighed but responded.**

**He told you?- mh**

**yes- jw**

**I startled him and he reacted not like he planed to cold cock me. How is his hand?- mh**

**-Possible nerve damage will know in 6 weeks, more worried that he has asked to Mycroft than about his hand right now.- jw**

**-Oh dear.-mh**

**Mycroft Holmes , the ice man , was very concerned about his brother. Any one who saw him that morning would have thought he was just in a rush but to a few who knew him. They would know that something BIG was wrong . Mycroft was never rushed even when he was rushed. He was all ways in control but when it came to Sherlock – he worried. He knew what demons haunted his brother and he was worried- no scared – at the price they would demand to be exorcised.**

**When he got to Baker St , he expected to be met with the sounds of the violin after leaving the car but instead he was met by John. Standing in the rain looking lost. Johns eyes looked at Mycroft critically with keen understanding . Since John was deducing him he returned the favor.**

"**so you know." not so much a question as a statement of fact.**

**All John could do was nod his head.**

"**what happen john? Why has he asked for me?'**

**John moved closer to the door at speedy's as if he wanted no chances they would be over heard.**

" **He just said to get you, that he needed you. Whatever is going on he feels you can help him with it. To tell you the truth, I am scared more now than when Irene 'died' and Moriarty was running amok in London. He is in the sitting room but I am going to Bart's."**

**The last statement surprised Mycroft. If John was that concerned why was he going to the hospital he open his mouth to ask but John was ahead of him again.**

"**I am going to go see Molly and check on her. I know just how hard a punch Sherlock can throw."**

"**are you saying that Sherlock hit Molly Hooper?!" Now if anyone who worked with Mycroft had been there, they would all ready be scrambling to get out of his way but John, being used to a Holmes just stood his ground and explained hat had happened.**

**AS he explained Mycroft just nodded and his features softened after his initial fear dissipated. He then took a deep breath and prepared to face his greatest fear , his greatest failure and his secret pain. He had not been able to protect or save Sherlock. He lightly touched this coat pocket to make sure he had his lighter and fags. Tonight both of them could go off the wagon as far as he was concerned.**

* * *

**an- more to come .**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Molly had just finished the report on that poor girl when John burst through the doors. The noise seemed deafening to Molly and a small squeak escaped her.

-blink-

_Mike crashing into her room, demanding that she had done something to him and then beating the hell out of her for it. (how could she had done anything – she had been hiding in her room all day)_

_-blink-_

_The ambulance doors crashing closed taking her to the hospital for her dislocated vertebrae._

**Opening her eyes she saw that John had crossed the room and was staring with a look of horror on his face. Molly being Molly just shrugged it off.**

"**you should see the other guy!"**

**This earned her a genuine laugh from the good doctor. He approached her the rest of the way to her. He gave her a questioning look that said "may I look?"**

**Molly sighed but stepped up to him and let John see the damage.**

**Now today the bruise was a spectacular color. It ranged from a deep purple to a slight green. It seem to be healing fast. "Molly, ya got a bruise but you will have no permanent damage." Shaking his head, he cast his eyes to the growing nothing what PTSD could do to a person's psyche.**

**Molly shrugged off John 's look of pity.**

"**John I have had worse. How is Sherlock he practically ran out of here." She sat there looking so worried.**

**John looked at her a little harder, what did she mean she has had worse? A soft "oh" escaped him. Then all of the things he knew about Molly fell into place. She now makes a little more sense. He didn't feel it was his place to ask what she meant by that. IF or when she was ready she would tell him. He also didn't think he could handle another emotional blow, at least not today. He would be there if she needed him, he was her friend after all.**

"**Well Mycroft is with him mow. Molly I just hope Baker st. is still standing when I go back home. He is in a right State. Hell, I am thinking of stopping and getting him some smokes. If that is what will take to calm him down." **

**That brought a smile to Molly.. .Only we would think a cancer stick is a good thing for any one.**

"**So molly I am heading back home. If you need anything call me. I'll keep ya posted OK?"**

**Molly Hooper didn't see the lonely tear that fell from her eyes but John did. In two long steps he was next to her and gave her a gentle hug.**

"**Molls we are going to get through this. Sherlock is horrified at what happened. We are going to be OK!" John did small circles on her back trying to comfort her.**

**-blink-**

_**Sitting alone curled upon her bed. Her own arms wrapped around herself cause no one believed her.**_

_**-blink-**_

_**Standing alone at the police station telling the detective everything that she had been through begging her with her eyes to be believed and for help from the nightmare.**_

**A sound close to a sob threatened to escape but Molly swallowed that old pain and sighed. In a very quiet voice she whispered, "tell Sherlock I am sorry I flinched, I know he didn't deliberately hurt me."**

**221b Baker St was quiet no shouting no gunfire (thank god!) No sounds at all were coming from the flat. John wasn't sure if it was a good thing. After checking in with Mrs. Hudson. He climbed the stairs to the flat.**

**It was as quiet as a confessional in the sitting room. Both brothers were sitting on the couch smoking. John felt his eyebrows raising.**

"**Thought you didn't smoke or frequent cafes?"**

**Mycroft looked up and smiled a thin smile. "only when necessary. I do believe this qualifies- don't you?"**

**With a quick nod he nodded, "quite right, guess it is a good thing I stopped and got these." With a quick toss he passed the fresh pack to the elder Holmes.**

"**has he?"**

"**no not yet. I feel I may be needed to stay tonight. John will that be a problem?"**

"**No Mycroft, it won't be a problem but don't you have a war to start or a country to run?" John didn't know why but he felt that since Sherlock was silent, it was up to him to tease his older brother.**

**Mycroft gave a smile that didn't quiet reach his eyes. "no not today John. Probably not tomorrow either. This is more important."**

**And that, John thought, was as close to a statement of sentiment we will get from Mycroft Holmes.**

"**So do you want any tea or coffee?"**

**Mycroft didn't answer that question but asked one of his own. "How is Molly?"**

**John gave Mycroft the basic info on how Molly was but didn't volunteer any thing to the very astute Mycroft. He didn't want Mycroft to know too much about their pathologist.**

**Mycroft didn't miss the signs that John had left things out . Important things. His eyes were like lasers they could cut through anyone or anything.**

**With a wave of his hand he motioned the elder Holmes into the kitchen. Hoping that Sherlock was so far into his mind palace not to over hear. She gave me a message for Sherlock, Mycroft. She said " sorry for flinching and she knew he didn't mean to hurt her. Then she said something that upset me further." John let that statement sink into that complex brain of Mycroft's. He waited to see his reaction to that before he made up his mind -on weather to trust Mycroft with what she suspected.**

**Mycroft to his credit felt like this was important. He and John shared a common interest in the protecting Sherlock but he understood institutionally that his next words mattered. That John was in his way trying to be Mycroft's friend too?**

"**John it takes a lot for you to get upset. You have the patience of a saint. Lord ! You live with Sherlock. So what did she say that has you upset?"**

**Mycroft seemed to pass some test for john. He grimaced and lowered his voice even more.**

"**She said that she had worse, Mycroft."**

**Mycroft stiffened ,his eyes enlarged for just a second(any one except someone who knew a Holmes would have missed it.) A tight-lipped I see was his only reponse outwardly. Internally where no one could see , the iceman cracked just a little . Knowing that Molly Hooper had suffered too bumped her listing in his mind from acquaintance to something to kindred soul, and someone else he should add to the list of people he personally protected. Looking back at his brother, as quiet still as if the dead could sit up and smoke. Mycroft remembered a conversation he had with his brother.**

"**all hearts are broken." Rubbing his eyes he realized that some hearts were never whole to begin with.**

"**john I am getting Anthea to bring some of my things over. Do you require anything?"**

" **yeah get a fan will ya? If you two are going to smoke out the flat. I am good, well as good as I am going to get until he comes out of this."**

**Mycroft appreciated the attempt at humor, "quite right." was his only reply.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Sherlock's palace was in shambles. The door that had opened had tainted everything. All his careful work keeping sentiment at bay wasted, he still turned out like his father. All the spiteful deductions, all the snide put downs were his version of abuse. Where did his plan go wrong? Mycroft wasn't like this, not to his extent. He had a wife, children and could function in society. How had he escaped his father's shadow. What had he done differently? Was it because he got to escape the worst of it when... no he didn't get to escape it either.**

**-blink-**

_**10 year old Sherlock, all curls and eyes, sat in the library trying to shut out the sounds of the beating raging next door. When his father came in ready to unleash his anger at anyone and anything. He bellowed at the thin boy. "go next door and take care of that cunt you call mummy!" even at yen knew knew that word and knew that his mother wasn't one.**_

"_**she's not one" escaped quietly and that was all it took.**_

_**Smack- did you just talk back to you betters?**_

_**Smack- smack -smack the blows left Sherlock's head reeling.**_

_**Punch- Sherlock doubled over from the pain but not a tear nor sound escaped him.**_

_**Wrench- as his shoulder was dislocated, still quiet, his father seemed to just be getting started and was getting angrier by the moment.**_

"_**Should fucking kill you!, never wanted a second brat anyway! Not even sure you're mine. Since your Mother-punch-is a whore!-punch-**_

_**The last punch pulled a groan from Sherlock. He knew he was dying and he welcomed it but if he survived this … he never let his emotions rule him, he would never let caring turn him into this monster. He would never let fear rule him he would lock that part away. He would have peace. His eyes closed.**_

_**In the silence he heard a distinctive -click- he felt his eyes fly open. His mother stood at the door. She looked as bad as he felt. Black eyes, torn dress and bruises everywhere. She was limping but to Sherlock she looked magnificent. Her voice was raw from the strangulation marks on her throat, but her voice was strong **_

"_**Step away from my son NOW!" her hand shook from the weight of the gun (where in the bloody hell did my mum get a gun!) "You are not going to hurt us ever again! I will stop you!"**_

_**Holmes senior turned nuclear, he gave another swift kick to Sherlock to keep him down and then turned to his wife.**_

"_**are you actually threatening me!" He roared the walls seemed to shake with his rage. He took a step toward his wife. "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU AND THIS FUCKING BRAT! YOU THINK YOU CAN...**_

**GASPING Sherlock came to. Scanning the flat he looked liked a trapped animal he grabbed a fag and lit up.**

**Mycroft looked up from his papers. Grabbing the sandwich that John had left. He went over and sat down next to Sherlock. It's been hours. He held it out to his brother.**

**Sherlock took the sandwich without complaint and ate silently, collecting his thoughts. Mycroft quietly said_ "i am hear if you want to talk about it."_**

**Sherlock turned to sneer at his brother but stopped. Mycroft looked different. He was wearing jeans and a button down. He looked approachable, all most human. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.**

**Finishing his sandwich he cleared his throat and tried again.**

"**i am sorry Mycroft."**

"**what ever for Sherlock?!" Mycroft blurted . It was the last thing he expected to hear.**

"**I was so mad and upset at you when you left to go to school...i felt so abandoned. Then it happened you weren't there till later."**

**Mycroft didn't leave the flat for 4 days. He did get the fans for the flat, though and two estranged brothers started to rebuild their relationship. John was included most of the time to serve as interpreter for the emotionally challenged. He kept Molly updated as much as possible but he knew Sherlock would have to agree to trust Molly with this. Once again it wasn't his place.**


	6. Chapter 6 a get well present

**Chapter 6**

**On the second day of the intervention(as John called it) Molly sent John a text.**

**-Hey how is Sherlock doing? Can I stop by after work?- mh**

**John looked up to Sherlock to ask but he heard a belly laugh(WHAT!) from Mycroft.**

"**Goth really! HAHAHAHAH!"**

"**SOD OFF MYCROFT" A Slight smile touched the corner of Sherlock's mouth.**

"**Hey Sherlock, Molly has been worried. She wants to stop by is that OK?"**

**Sherlock stilled, his eyes going wide and his hands which was steady a moment ago started to shake. He looked at John his answer clearly on his face. Since her face was still swollen and discolored, Molly decided to take some of her hard won time off. After telling Mike for the 1000th time it was an accident. (since it was!) He agreed to her taking the week off.**

**Walking back to her flat, Molly thought about Sherlock's problem of not being able to play. With a smile she knew that she could sorta help with that. Since he felt it was partially her fault. Once she got home she petted Toby absent mindlessly and set down in her music corner. Placed her recorder down, grabbed her clarinet and soon music filled her small flat. Once she hit record, she lost herself in the music. Everything she had inside her she poured into the music. Here Molly was elegant, she was poised, here she was free. Here time had no meaning, pain had had no foothold here. For five hours she played for herself and for Sherlock. Afterword she felt so much better. After her dinner she called her music store and ordered more music. Wore out she showered and climbed into her bed and for once the monsters of the past left her alone.**

**The next morning she woke up feeling even better, stronger. After a quick breakfast and some crap telly, she sat down with pen and paper. When she was finally happy with the gift and the note she shot off a note to John.**

**-hey you home?- mh**

**-yeah what's up? You OK?-jw**

**- I am fine John, the bruise is starting to fade.-mh**

**-then why are you not at work?-mh**

**-took time off. Will you meet me for cofee-mh**

**John looked over to Mycroft sitting over on the couch looking over some files, "hey molly wants to meet up for coffee. Will you two be OK if I step out for a moment?"**

**Before Mycroft could answer.**

"**MYCROFT!"**

**At Sherlock's bellow both men headed to see what was wrong. Lounging in his bed Sherlock looked all most back to well Sherlock. Unconcerned about disrupting what ever they had been doing. He barreled on.**

"**Mycroft can you get me two iPod, one black and one um pink?"**

**At the choking sound john clapped Mycroft on the back . Then realized that the elder Holmes was laughing hard. Between chortles Mycroft affirmed that he could arrange that. Smiling at the amusing government official, John turned back to Sherlock.**

"**Hey Sherlock, Molly called I am going to meet her for coffee is it OK for her come up?"**

**John didn't expect get an answer and wasn't disappointed.**

"**well OK then but Molly did tell me to let you know that she was sorry for flinching and she knows that you didn't do it deliberately." With the message delivered he turned away missing the quiet "thank you." from Sherlock.**

**Molly did look so much better, John thought. The bruise was still huge and was shading into the yellows and greens of healing. A few more days and it would be gone. When she looked up a genuine smile lit up her face and John felt himself returning that smile you couldn't help it.**

**After a strong of coffee later, Molly pulled the small box out of her purse and handed it to John.**

"**Could you take this to Sherlock?"**

**John very curious about it's contents asked. "what is it dark chocolate?"**

"**NO its just uh uh something Sherlock might like. A get well present I suppose."**

**That statement maid them both grin like loons. Putting the box in his coat pocket he kept noticing Molly looking at her watch. **

"**I will do that Molls. So where you headed off to now?**

**With a look that was all most sneaky she leaned in and whispered. " off to a day spa to be pampered. The whole works massage, hair styling, Mani/ pedi then I am going shopping!"**

**John couldn't help but think good for you Molly you so deserve it! Innocently he asked the next typical question and it seemed to some what deflate the upbeat pathologist. "so who is going with you on your girl's day out?"**

**Molly hesitated for just a second before answering. " Oh just myself. Don't have many girlfriends . Not many friends at all except you guys and maybe Sherlock. I am a little too odd for most people – working with the dead and all. It can be off putting for the mundanes.**

**She sounded so matter of fact about it, so accepting of her fate, that her only friends were guys that John decided he needed to do something nice for this quiet woman.**

"**I' ll tell you what Molly Hooper. After you finish your spa stuff ring me up and I'll go shopping with you." at her look of surprise he laughed.**

" **Consider it your get well present. Friends hang out together. Heck if we are truly lucky we may even find another hideous jumper to annoy Sherlock with."**

**Feeling playful and lighthearted she agreed. With a bounce in her step she headed off towards her day.**


	7. Chapter 7 a right git!

**Chapter 7 **

**Music** is **love** in search of a word." Sidonie Gabrielle

**John was still chuckling when he climbed the stairs back to the flat. Mycroft was talking quietly to his PA checking out the bag that she had brought him. Sherlock was in his chair holding is violin and just staring at his hand. John walked over and pulled out Molly's gift. He held it out to his friend.**

"**Ah Sherlock Molly sent this to you. She called it a get well present." The detective turned to the gift and looked at it as if it was radioactive.**

"**what is it?"**

" **Not sure. I think it sweets though." John was a little worried that Sherlock would ignore the gift but he grabbed it from John and with an abrupt "excuse me." he headed off to his room. Once there Sherlock studied the 5 Cd's all said same thing, Music for Sherlock and on the bottom was a folded note. Sitting down on the edge of his bed he began to read.**

_**Sherlock,**_

_**I hope this finds you and that your hand is starting to feel a little better. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for startling you the other day. You never talk about what happened to you while you were away dismantling Moriarty's network , but I have seen the haunted look in face a couple of times. I know it must have been very dangerous and difficult doing it all on your own. If I had seen that you were wearing earphones or that your eyes had been closed , I would have gotten your attention some other way. It would have spared us all this. As far as me flinching away from you it was instinct. I know you would never deliberately hurt me . I know this . You are a good man, Sherlock Holmes, and my friend.**_

_**Anyways I have sent you some classical music I performed on my clarinet as a gift. I know 6 weeks is a very long time to be with out your music. It isn't as good as the violin but I still hope it helps. If you need more let me know.**_

_**Always**_

_**Molly**_

**About the time Molly was relaxing into a full back massage, Sherlock was placing the first disc into his seldom used stereo. A few seconds later soft warm music soothing music stretched out into the flat. The sound was pure , unaccompanied and breathtaking. Sherlock sighed as he sat down and closed his eyes. The music was all most as good as playing his violin. Finding the right peace of mind he was finally able to think. To walk his mind palace properly and survey the damage that blasted door had done. The palace was still tainted by his miscalculations but it could be rebuilt. A soft smile broke across his feature and Sherlock got to work.**

**John and Mycroft sat in somewhat stunned silence both caught up in the music. Mycroft's eyes widened at the beauty of the simple arrangement looking at John he noticed that the good Doctor was shaking his head and laughing to himself.**

"**Care to share the funny?"**

**John wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye. "molly Hooper."**

**A single eyebrow quirked upwards, "and why would you say that of all things?"**

" **we have been here for going on 3 days trying to help him , she isn't even here and has figured out what he truly needed. Look at him he is peaceful(for Sherlock) heck he is even smiling. I feel like the biggest git cause I didn't figure it out!"**

**Well since he is a bit more settled I am going to catch up on some sleep. If you need to go out let me know. Mycroft yawned and headed over to the couch to nap.**

" **I am meeting Molly again later today. I will wake you before I leave." at the ice man's curious look he continued. "she has been by herself going through god knows what so I agreed to go shopping with her. Just to cheer her up."**

**At hearing Moll's name Sherlock pulled himself away from the palace.**

"**John did I hear you are going to be seeing Molly later today?"**

"**yes you did, Sherlock."**

"**right then."Sherlock jumped out of his chair and started looking around for something. After a few moments of not finding what he needed.**

"**john I need some paper and a pen please."**

**John got Sherlock what he needed and Sherlock sat back down. He let the music soothe his thoughts and contemplated what to write. Once satisfied on what he wanted to say he put pen to paper. Once done he placed it an envelope and placed it and the 2 i pods back into the bag they came in. Looking at John he swallowed trying to get speech past the knot that had formed there.**

"**could you give this to her, john and let her know I am truly sorry."**

**Seeing the man who doesn't do emotions looking scared and a little lost, John just nodded. Nothing eles needed to be said.**


	8. Chapter 8 10 minutes

**Chapter 8 **

**Thanks for the kinds words KelliDs. This is for you. Also thanks to those who have left reviews and are following this story. I will try not to disappoint.**

**Molly had already ordered lunch when john came in. With a cheerful wave she motioned him over to sit. John noticed how different she looked. Her waist length hair was gone, in its place was a shoulder length cut that had been highlighted and was slightly curling around the ends. John thought she is rather pretty. Too bad she couldn't see it. She held out a coffee to him as he sat down. Noticing the bag a little pout came to her face. "you started with out me." she dipped her head towards the bag at his feet.**

**Grabbing the bag he placed it on the table. "oh no, this is from  
Sherlock, he said to tell you he was truly sorry."**

**Molly snorted as if to say he did no such thing.**

**John understanding her disbelief placed his hand on top of hers. He waited until the silence made Molly look up and into his face.**

"**It's the truth Molly. These are from Sherlock and he really did say truly sorry."**

"**OK" was all she trusted herself to say. One deep breath later she put on her brightest smile and held out her hand. "gimme!"**

**John smiled at her Christmas -like glee and why not Sherlock doesn't do gifts might as well BE CHRISTMAS! Grinning back at how nothing seemed to keep Molly's spirits down for long(he was wrong of course) he handed over the present and watched her dig into it.**

**Confused Molly laid both I pods on the table."John why are there 2 i pods?"**

"**Don't know but he did include a note.." before he could finish his statement Molly was digging in the bag again. **

**Molly found the envelope addressed to her. She so wanted to go to the loo and read it privately but that would have been rude. After a quick nod from john she carefully opened it and began to read.**

**Molly,**

**I know you are wondering about the 2 I pods. The pink one of course is to replace the one I broke but the black one is for me. I have a request, I hope that you will agree to. When you surprised me I was lost in the music. It had surprised me with it's imagery and well sentiment. I was hoping if you could load what I was listening to onto it so I could listen to it safely back at Baker st.**

**Now I know it is selfish to ask for a favor after what happened and I will understand if you don't want to.**

**Molly, I have no words to express my mortification at hitting you. You have all ways been kind and you were the one I trusted most in my darkest hour. I trust you still. You count, Molly Hooper, you all ways will because you are my friend.**

**You have been able to see me when no one, not even john has. And you were right "I am not OK" I wasn't back then and I am not right now. I struck you, one of the very select few I chose to let in. So please forgive me Molly even though I know I don't deserve it.**

**All ways,**

**Sherlock**

**When she finished the last line the tears fell. She cried for the genus that didn't believe that he deserved to be forgiven let alone loved.**

**Seeing Molly's tears John thought the prat had made quite a mess of the note so he grabbed it from her and read it.(damage control its all ways damage control)**

**Scanning it he knew Sherlock was alluding to something that had happened before the fall. He also knew that the dynamic between the two had changed but had never asked Sherlock about it. Dismissing that thought he smiled gently. The prat had done a great job apologizing. He even told the truth that he considered Molly a friend (could there be more to it than that?- nah)so why was Molly Crying?(sometimes even he gets it wrong)**

**-blink-**

**going home from prom after being stood up**

**-blink -**

**her 4 dates in Uni cause she was too busy, too mousy, too UN-everything.**

**Taking the note back she spoke so quietly that John had to lean in to hear her. " He doesn't see it or get it. John. He sees but doesn't comprehend. You, me, Greg, Hudson and even Mycroft, we love him and he still sees himself as unlovable and unforgivable." Shaking her head she just sipped her coffee.**

**At her quiet yet profound words John knew she was right on so many levels. Sherlock was right too. She really did see him maybe better than even he did, but today was for molly and Sherlock could for once wait.**

"**So you going to load the iPod for him?"**

**Molly tried to give him a Sherlockian look of – did you really need to ask that?- but failed. " of course I am. I know what music he was talking about so it will no big deal to copy it into his mp3player." talking about music seemed to lift her spirits so he asked the next question that popped into his mind.**

"**so what was he listening too something classical I guess."**

**Molly's smile got even bigger, then the giggles started, then she was out and out laughing. It didn't stop. She had to hold her sides to catch her breath.**

"**not my place to tell." she gasped out between laughing.**

"**oh no you don't Hooper! Spill it ! What was he listening to!" John had an almost feral grin on his face what ever it was had to be well GOOD!**

**Wiping the tears from her mirth away she took a steadying breath.**

"**John...it was my GOTH play list."**

**Stoic, dependable, unflappable John Watson didn't stop laughing for the next 10 minutes.**


	9. Chapter 9 freinds?

**Chapter 9**

**The rest of the afternoon was a blur. They found another hideous jumper for John (a geometric nightmare in primary colors – very 80's mod) and some new outfits for Molly. They also picked up some more Cd's since Molly had went through her supply. Mostly they windowed shopped and shared stories about their mutual friend. They occasionally would catch each other eyes and one of them you mutter "goth" and the giggles would ensue. It was a good afternoon for them both.**

**Back at her flat finally, Molly sat down ready to record more music for Sherlock. The i pods were charging and she thought that except for her sadness for Sherlock today had been a great day. Sure she didn't have many female friends but she had John and Greg and Sherlock had acknowledged her as his friend too.(down girl don't read anything into that) all in all she was a lucky woman to have such friends.**

**Tonight she decided to record some more classical music but interspersed other composers that sounded great on clarinet. Benny Goodman, Cole porter and a few others. She even recorded Chattanooga Choo-choo onto the disc. Why not it was her favorite Benny Goodman song. That done she moved over to er computer to start work on the i pods.**

**Sipping her glass of wine she started coping the file – wrist slitting music to make you feel better – onto both i pods. Wondering what other music she could add to the player, Molly spent the rest of the night trolling. She downloaded or bought music till both of the players were full. After that was done she called it a day.**

**When John got back to the flat. The Holmes boys were both in the sitting room, talking quietly. Not wanting to disturb them he quietly went up to his room. The brothers in question had noted his arrival and continued their discussion. Sherlock had finally told Mycroft what had happened the day his Father had died at his mothers hand and Mycroft for his part talked about how he himself had dealt with the long term abuse. They talked strategy. they talked about sentiment. they talked till they hit a wall. They reached an agreement that they needed another set of eyes or in this case an another more human heart to make any decisions.**

**As Sherlock went up stairs to get said human heart, he paid no attention to the knock on the door. It was Mycroft who got up and answered it. He nodded to his PA and took the file marked Molly Hooper from her. He placed it into his briefcase until he decided what to do about it.**

**John didn't hear the knock on his door at first. It was when Sherlock called out to him that he pulled himself away from his book.**

"**you up John?"**

"**yes Sherlock I am what's up?"**

"**can I come in?"**

"**ugh sure Sherlock"**

**Opening the Door Sherlock though about all they had been through together. He knew that John was his closest friend and the closet thing to a brother he has had in quite some time. It bothered him now that he couldn't even express that. (standing next to a pool sputtering had he actually said that it had been good!)**

"**Could you come downstairs something me and Croft want to get your input on. Want tea?" and John nod of yes he turned to head back.**

"**By the way Sherlock – molly said she would load the i pod and that she understood." Sherlock paused in mid-step bowed his head and went off to get tea ready.**

**A few hours later a completely stunned John Watson was drinking something a wee bit stronger than tea. He was trying to get his head around what the Holmes brothers had asked him to do. **

**They wanted him to be a tutor of sorts on SENTIMENT (of all things) to Sherlock. He had said that he was all ready dong that. They countered that the role needed to be expanded. That he would have carte Blanche to call Sherlock out when a simple "no not good" wasn't enough. They all agreed that Sherlock had gotten better at recognizing boundaries on his own but all agreed that he needed to reach a place where even "no not good" wouldn't be needed. John knew this was a huge step for Sherlock and for him to be talking about it at all was a huge step as well. He agreed right then to help Sherlock out whatever with he may need. **

**Mycroft seemed pleased that the danger time had passed and told **

**Sherlock that he would be back Sunday night for dinner. Sherlock seemed a bit miffed at being told but agreed none the less. Seeing his younger brother bite his tongue he reached out a gave his baby brother a awkward hug. Leaning in to Sherlock's ear he whispered - "love you Sherlock see you Sunday." Sherlock pulled away and looked at his brother. Somewhere in his mind palace a regal door opened and he felt no remembered the love he felt for his brother. Grabbing his brother he gave him a tight hug. He fumbled on his first attempt to say anything so swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and whispered back. "love you Croft."**

**Mycroft discreetly wiped a tear out from the corner of his eye and turned to john. To lighten the mood John took a step back holding out both hands. "Nope no hugs here Mycroft!" this brought a genuine smile to the ice man. Seeing what John wanted to do he played along.**

"**Ah yes – no hugging them people would talk." to that the other two men in the room replied together. "that's all people do." Rolling his eyes at their smart arsed answer but still smiling.**

"**Do grow up!"**

**This seemed to set Sherlock and his doctor off Giggling. Just like last time. "we solve crime, I blog about it and he forgets his pants. Or have you deleted that Mycroft?"**

**Shaking his head "as if I could John." he proceeded to gather up his things and started heading for the door. "John would you walk with me for a moment. Please."**

**Outside on the stoop waiting for his car Mycroft looked at the man who had saved his brother on so many ways. "Thank you for everything John. I know being his friend isn't easy but I must say you have surprised even me. So I thank you again for the bottom of my so called non existent heart."**

**taken back by the speech john nodded and looked Mycroft over.  
"You're welcome Mycroft but I don't think that is the only reason you asked me out here. You forget I have the market cornered as far as understanding a Holmes goes. So what else is there?"**

**Mycroft pulled out Molly's file and handed to John. " I haven't read it. Didn't seem the decent thing to do. Figured if any one looked at it . It should be you and my brother." John could here the unspoken 'and' hanging in the air. Raising his eyebrow he looked at the sudenly quiet man on his stoop. "and?"**

**Mycroft actually stopped before rolling his eyes at the good doctor . " Seems my brother has rubbed off onto you John." He extended his hand to the gentleman in front of him before he continued. "AND It would be my honor if I too could call you friend."**

**John only blinked twice before returning the handshake.**

" **of course, Mycroft."**

**an- ok guys here is the part that is going to get harry. Molly is about to confront her demons and it may get grafic emotionally and phsically . After next two chapters should get us to where the fun can begin, I cant wait to call sherlock out on misbehaving and on how he is cope with Molly afterwards.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

thanks for all the reviews and kind words

so sit back and enjoy the ride

**The next morning Molly woke up to her phone buzzing. Staggering out of bed she grabbed it and answered.**

"Molly, this is jack hate to bother you but I was wondering if I could ask a few questions about the Dietz's case. Test came back negative for drugs, but I was hoping I could get you to come down and take a look. I need another set of eyes." **All thoughts of sleep forgotten she agreed and after a quick shower she grabbed the Sherlock's i pod and Cd's (just in case) and headed back to Bart's.**

**Now Jack Sheppard was a good pathologist but he was fairly new. When he wheeled out Brianna Dietz she saw what had puzzled him.**

"I told the family she couldn't been released for burial yet and only you could do that. The parents seemed really pissed but I felt so sorry for her sister the most. She just kept staring at the sheet.

**Molly, jumped as if a current had been applied to her feet.** "HER WHAT!" **Grabbing Brianna's paper work through racing, she scanned it – family family – sister Charlene age 8, brother mike age 13 same date of birth.**

**-blink-**

**she hated being a twin, being tied to him by having a shred birthday!**

**-blink-**

**Mike cuddling with her on the couch saying lets watch telly.. her heart so happy that he was being nice...**

**-blink-**

**-blink-**

**-blink-**

**The pain his heavy weight, the evil laughter, the threats, the feeling impaled.**

**Something in Molly snapped.**

**Grabbing her phone she sent off a furious text, muttering not again not on my watch.**

SHERLOCK I NEED YOUR HELP-M

Molly are you OK?-sh

Yes please come to Bart's and bring Lestrade with you.-m

OK what is this about?-sh

saving a least one child from a monster!-m

will you help me?-m

we are on our way!-sh

"john get dressed we have a case!" **Sherlock** **moved as fast as his cast would allow got dressed too. John was all ready at the door. "**Call Greg have him meet us at ST. Bart's"

"that wasn't Greg on the phone?"

"No it was Molly." a **grim look settled upon his face. In the cab he past his phone to john. He scanned the texts and nodded. "right then" he handed the phone back to Sherlock and contacted Lestrade.**

**Molly was mad -no furious – with herself. How could she have missed the sister. Oh yeah that's right. Big bruise pain killers make for a duller pathologist but not now. She started reexamination the body looking for more signs of abuse. Her phone went off.**

**On the way up -sh**

**That's a first, she thought, turning to Jack she sent him off for coffee for all of them.**

**Taking a few deep breath she settled just in time for Sherlock, john and Greg came in. She wasted no time and laid out the evidence.**

"**thanks for coming, I called you cause a little girl's life is in danger." She told about the broken, badly healed, the multiple scars from vaginal trauma and finally she told them of the evidence of murder. **

"**latency bruising, it wasn't there three days ago. When I did my preliminary and jack has never seen these before. I have only seen these once before. I took pictures with the fluoroscope to verify it and this is what came ****back." The picture was of the child on her back. There were ten smallish dots and two larger underneath. "when she came in we all thought suicide. That she had bled out from the cuts on her arms." Molly subconsciously rubbed her own wrists and two set of eyes noticed the movement. "So when I took my days off I figured we would see some kinds of drugs in her system once the tox screen came back. There was nothing and hair analysis confirmed it. So I ran more tests found DNA, the test should be back shortly and I found she had a cranial fracture. She had to be alive when the cuts were made for the tissues to look right so someone took her from where she fell and was put into the tub and then someone cut her and let her bleed out. She was also six week pregnant when she died." Turning to the guys she seemed to grow in stature.**

"**Sherlock I asked for your help to confirm my findings in case I missed any thing else. Greg, I want them to pay, whoever killed her and whomever raped her. I WANT THEM TO PAY!"**

**Shaking and embarrassed at her outburst she bolted out of autopsy to find some place to break down at.**

**Back in the morgue three very quiet gentlemen thought about what had just happened. Sherlock confirmed Molly's findings and Greg started the paperwork for DNA testing for the family. John was looking over the paperwork and quickly walked to Lestrade. He pointed to something on the ****page and Greg stood up and his demeanor changed. **

" **Get child services over there now and remove that little girl from there! No I don't care someone in that house killed her sister. Use probable cause or whatever Donovan. Just get her out of there! Let me when it's done!"**

**15 minutes later Molly still hadn't returned. They all kept looking at the door. Waiting. Greg was the first to break. "i 'm going to go find her never seen her so upset or angry. That was something."**

**Surprising everyone Sherlock jumped up and told Greg that he would go find her. HE was gone before Greg or John could protest.**

**Molly was hiding out in the 5****th**** floor loo, crying and trying to pull herself together.**

**-blink-**

**no no no not that **

**-blink-**

**please god not now**

**-blink-**

**Stop lying, he has done no such thing to you = stop making stuff up!**

**-blink-**

**waking up in the middle of the night with him in her bed saying "time to play"**

**-blink-**

**I wish I could kill him**

**-blink-**

**inspector I want to file charges of rape, assault and battery against my ****brother**

**(their look of shock at the station)**

**-blink- colds**** hands inspecting a life time of damage**

**-blink- **

**your honor she sleeps around and has all ways makes up lies about her brother**

**-blink-**

**how can they not believe me after all the evidence I have gathered.**

**-blink-**

**Could they be right could I be crazy? Is it all in my head? Defeated, alone so alone – are they right? Giving up.**

**-blink-**

**a sharp pain then blood so much blood – so tired-**

**-blink- **

**a voice in the black, a kind voice saying don't give up. they win if you do.**

**-blink-**

**-blink-**

**-blink**

**-blink-**

"Molly I know you are in here. Please come out."

**Molly heard Sherlock calling her but couldn't move. She felt locked into her own past.**

"right then, if you won't come out to me then I will come in to you."

**That got Molly moving. Wiping her eyes she walked, no ran, out the stall. She grabbed Sherlock and pulled him out of the woman's loo. Outside she straightened his sleeve and looked up and gave him a genuine smile.**

"hey you, How's the hand?"

**Sherlock was stunned. .She had truly forgiven him. Her bruise looked enormous to him. Without conscious thought he reached out and gently cupped her face. He had no words to say.**

**Seeing the pain he was in Molly(mousy not her not right now)placed her hand over his.**

"It's all right, I forgave you before you before you had even left. I understand Sherlock. i truly do. Your friends love you, we all ways have. You just couldn't see it." **with a gentle pat to his hand, she stepped away and walked back to her lab. Leaving a startled detective in her wake.**

**When she got back to the lab she overheard Greg say that the little girl was in protective custody and the rest of the family was on the way to the yard for questioning. Greg gave her a thumbs -up and a quick nod. John just came over and stood by her. A moment later he gave her a one armed hug.**

"you OK now Molls?"

"yeah sorry about the blubbering." **a small laugh escaped her.**

"well you know if you ever need us we will be there for you." ** with a small sigh she rested her head on john's chest. "**thanks John but I am OK now."** She felt a weight on her shoulder and saw long elegant finger resting there. Her smile got a bit brighter.**

**Greg broke the moment by coming up and told the guys he was heading ****to the yard then turned to Molly. **" um Molls do you want to go with us and see this one through to the end. I know it's not your division but I thought it might do you some good."

" thanks I would I believe. Let me get my things and tell Jack I am leaving."she grabbed her bag and sherlock's ipod and the new Cd's.** Turning around she pointed to the door.**

"lead on Lestrade!" **A quick smirk to John. "**the game is on!"


	11. Chapter 11 NOTE not a new chapter yet

HEY GUYS DGA

sorry I havent posted her lately .I have been wicked busy with school and dealling with family issues but I plan to post something tommarrow for you guys so thanks for hanging in with me. It's written( I am old school- I write long hand before it goes into the computer) so just a matter of typing it in .

Laters!

DGA!


	12. Chapter 12 please let me have this

**Chapter 12**

**Hi everybody so sorry it took so long to update. Life has not been the easiest for me right now. This story has really been a life changer for me and has given me a great deal of healing. I know it has been dark and I know it has been painful. I know this cause most of the pain I have lived through. I ran from all of it and for years it has slowly been poisoning my life. This story was me finally facing my feelings, ripping through the scar tissue and letting go of what I had no control over. Now after these next few chapters may we all find some peace. Thank you for all you words of support and reviews they mean the world to me. -dga**

I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short."Armistead Maupin quote

The ride to the yard was quiet and Molly decided to give

Sherlock his iPod.

"oh Sherlock, I got the i pods set up and here's yours. I also have some more classical music for you as well. I know it is no violin but I hope it helps till you can play again." The bag was bulging with Cd's and Sherlock turned from the window to take it from her.

"thanks Molly. By the way I had no ideal that you were so talented with the clarinet." His eyes sparked with genuine mirth. She had surprised him once again. "They were wonderful and they did help a great deal."

John let out a gasp at what Sherlock had said. "that was you playing Molly?! Mycroft and I spent hours trying to figure out who it was." John 's face looked as if he couldn't add all the facts up.

Blushing furiously, Molly tried to answer only to be cut off by Sherlock. "from what I saw she is accomplished in what eight different instruments. Though for good reason the clarinet is her favorite. She also composes."

at john's expression Molly laughed...He looked like she had sprouted a second head or maybe Sherlock had and since it was the nicest deduction he had ever given her she let it go.(breathe Molly Breathe)

Lestrade feeling a bit out of the loop asked what the deuce they were talking about and the recounting of the music story kept them occupied all the way to the yard.

Two hours later Molly did know if she should take up smoking again just for the night or if she should go get a shot of whiskey. Her nerves were shot...It was history repeating itself. All the same lies, all the smug superior belief that Brianna was at fault. Pacing could only burn up so much energy. So when Sherlock walked out with Brianna's medical file, she cornered him.

"Sherlock got your cigs with you?"

"yes, I do but you don't smoke so why ask?"

"for tonight I do again – can't have a couple shots of whiskey, might take their collective heads off." Molly, to Sherlock, looked angry tense and ready to do just that. A bit concerned?-where did that thought come from! He handed over the smokes and followed her outside.

After the first cough, she exhaled with a sigh. Her nerves settled she just started up at the clear night sky. Sherlock still rattled by how she had been acting and how he himself was responding around her. Gave her a few moments and enjoyed his own cigarette and thought about it.

Her fury and emotion distraught at the fate of that unfortunate girl seem to big to Sherlock. He knew that Molly cared about getting her patients justice for what ever harm had befallen them. It was one of the reason she was such a fine pathologist, but this seemed more personal than just that. Like she had a stake in the final outcome instead of just a hand in it. When she ran from the morgue she looked as she had seconds after he hit her. Scared and haunted. His stomach lurched what did she have to fear? Quiet mousy Molly Hooper who would ever want to hurt her? Well that was not going to happen. He wouldn't let any thing harm his pathologist again. His eyes flew open again at that thought of Molly as his. He made a mental note to bring this up with his new mentor and put it aside focusing back to his- Molly's tense shoulders and the lit cigarette hanging from her fingers.

He didn't go any closer to her, but he knew his voice would reach her. "Molly do you need to talk? I know this case has been troubling you … you seem more affected than usual."

Molly took another drag of her smoke before she answered. All the anger inside seem to flow out of her with her words.

" it's all the lies Sherlock! They all say the same thing. It was the victims fault. She lies! She makes thing up. She's crazy! I mean if your daughter told you that she is being molested you are supposed to believe her. How can they be so blind and STUPID! Brianna will never grow up, go to uni, fall in love or find healing in her friends. And it is because OF ALL THOSE PIECES OF SHITE IN THERE THAT DID NOT BELIEVE HER. She died broken and alone." Molly trembled at everything rolling through her heart and head. She took another slow drag and exhaled. Sherlock had to lean in or he would have missed her next words.

"and it could have easily been me."

Sherlock had all ready deduced that something similar had happened but to hear her say that she had survived what Brianna had been through. What they all had gone through shattered his new found heart.

With a few steps he was at her side and gently taking the cigarette from her hand he wrapped his arms around her. Molly was so bereft that her normal skittishness around Sherlock was totally absent again. She just leaned into his broad chest and cried. Even after the tears had stopped, Sherlock didn't release her. He just stood there feeling - what he wasn't sure- but he thought her arms felt like home.

Molly on the other hand was half a step away from utter melt down. Her head was spinning after the crying jag had ended why hadn't he let her go?(down girl breathe don't freak out) she tried to pull away but Sherlock's words stopped her cold.

"please Molly let me have this."

Molly did go into melt down mode then. ( omg did he just say that?) her heart beat was that of a European unladen swallow fast and uncontrollable.( good god girl breathe don't you DARE PASS OUT now!) She took slow steadying breaths and soon her heart beat calmed. She just let herself revel in the feel of Sherlock's arms around her. A few moments -minutes- years later Sherlock pulled away. Feeling a bit awkward(why hadn't he let her go? Why had he said that?) Sherlock cleared his throat and stood up a little straighter. Molly watched the mask fall back into place but for a moment she saw the pain that was in his eyes.

"OK now Molly?"

She gave him a bright smile. "yes and you?"

The unvoiced question hung there. A grimace originally set down on his features but remembering who he was talking too he softened his features and answered. "yes I will be...Let's go watch Lestrade finish them off your DNA results should be back soon."


	13. Chapter 13 demons run

**Chapter 13**

I know I've been mistaken  
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made  
I've got some imperfections  
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting  
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting  
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting  
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending  
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take  
And you're so independent  
You just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting  
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting  
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting  
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

staid- right here

Fifteen minutes later it was over. The DNA had come back and it was Brian's, he was the rapist. After a measurement of his hands he was also charged with her murder as well. In the meantime, Sally had come back from the Dietz's home with brianna's diary. After scanning a few entries, Lestrade arrested both of her parents for willful abuse of a minor and neglect. Brian was unrepentant, as he was led away he kept screaming how Brianna was a whore who would fuck anything and that he hadn't hit her enough. Too bad for him that molly heard this. Before anyone knew what was happening. Brian was on the ground bleeding from a broken nose. Molly had him by the shirt glaring into his eyes.(mousey not not her not now) with a voice that no one could believe she possessed she spat at the killer.

"your first night in prison will be in the general population. You know what they do to child rapists?" She smiled. It was a smile Sherlock knew – it said" just because I am on the side of angels do not believe for one second that I am one of them." She grinned even bigger. " they ass fuck child rapists in general population for everyone to see. You will be somebody's whore before the night is over with. I hope you choke on this. She won... .Brianna won. You DID NOT get away with it. She can't know it now but I do." she leaned in as if to kiss him and delivered her last blow."you lose."

with those last words she stood up and walked away. A queen flanked by her most trusted guards.

Her bravado and strength lasted until they got outside of NSY. Molly knew her demons were reaching for her, clawing at her mind, trying to drag her down. This case had been too much. The memories of her hell were too close to the surface of her waking mind AND The promise of the hell to come was there standing across the street. She stopped and put her hand on Sherlock's arm. Looking at his kaleidoscope eyes she tried to tell him what was coming for her but instead her eyes rolled back.. everything started to fade to black and a strangled Sherlock was all she got out before her demons took her.

She crumpled right there in front of New Scotland yard. Only Sherlock's quick movement kept her from the pavement. Sweeping the petite pathologist into his arms a choked cry for his friend was all he could get out. He had never seen Molly look so terrified before.

"JOHN!"

Dr. Watson turned expecting his friends to be beside him and was startled to see Sherlock holding a passed out pathologist in his arms. Running back to them he peppered Sherlock with questions.

"what happened"

"did it look like she was in pain?"

"does she have a fever?"

Sherlock tried to answer the questions in order.

"she seemed fine but when we got to the curb it looked like she had seen the devil himself. She had been terrified. Then it was like everything just turned off and she fainted."

John checked her vitals – pulse was elevated but her breathing was regular and she didn't have a fever. So not illness. "let's get her back to Baker St I have- no wait "he dug his phone out and called Lestrade asking him to bring some smelling salts out to the front. At Greg's obvious question the good doctor growled into the phone "because molly Hooper just fainted on us! That why!"

A few moments later Greg was there handing over the smelling salts. He informed them that he was getting his car so they could take her to the hospital but john stopped him. "no let us take her to Baker St. We can watch over tonight and if she needs to we will take her in the morning probably was just to much stress." Greg reluctantly agreed but he also knew if anything changed John would be sure she got more help that just him and Sherlock. That settled john uncapped the little vial and waved it under Molly' s nose.

The horrible smell brought molly out of her faint but it did not bring her back to them. She startled awake and started searching the area around her. She had not said a word. She finally noticed that she was in Sherlock's arms and started struggling as if she didn't know him. Sherlock set her down upon her feet but did not let go of her hand. She looked as if she was ready to bolt. What had scared her so badly and why wasn't she talking? Molly always talked.

The ride back to Baker st was heartbreaking. The Baker St boys all sat quietly worried about their friend. It looked as if she had shrunk into herself. Like she was truly broken. Her eyes kept darting around searching for something only she could see. What she didn't see was John or Greg or even Sherlock for that matter.

Knowing what it was like to be trapped in your own mind. Sherlock tried to reach her. Pitching his voice low he started to talk to her. " Molly look at me please." She turned her head from the window and seem to look at him. Then he realized she looked through him. She couldn't see him. This scared him more than he cared to admit- even to himself- he had come to depend on the fact that at least one person could see past the facade of consulting detective to the real person underneath. He had to get her back. He leaned closer in and dropped his voice to a whisper.

"molly, we are here for you, but you have to fight. I know you are locked in there somewhere, but I also know that you can hear **me.**" he stressed the last word like a prayer. "we are taking you home to baker st to watch over you tonight or for as long as you need. Just don't give up ,fight. Do not let what ever this is win"

molly started at the intense man talking to her.(don't give up or they win!) something about his voice calmed her. She stilled and tried to focus , to find herself.  
Sherlock raised their still joined hands. In that quiet voice he asked again " molly – do you trust me?" Molly's thoughts couldn't settle but deep inside her she fought. She struggled to get one word out. .All Sherlock saw a small bob of her head.

Once they arrived at the flat, Sherlock sent John over to Molly's to get her some things and to check on her cat Toby. That left Greg and Sherlock to get molly into 221b. She resisted at first thinking it was another hospital.

**Blink -oh th**e pills eating them like candy, hoping this time she can run far enough away from the pain and memories for it to just stop.

She looked at Sherlock – her eyes held fear, hurt and betrayal. She trusted him and he brought her here?!

"Molly we are at my flat- please Molly look around you. You know this place."

once again his voice calmed her. She stopped pulling and tried to see what was actually around her and not the nightmare of the past.

**Blink- **cold white walls – no comfort- no refuge – hard eyes watching her through the slot on the door.

**Blink- **

the blue door of Baker st focused in Molly's vision. Her mind screamed that this was a safe place. Not another version of her hell. After her inner debate she walked in with Sherlock behind her. In the flat she stopped exactly where she had stood that horrible Christmas. A small frown crossed her face and Sherlock felt a stab of guilt knowing he was the cause of it.

Molly slowly looked around the room .Noticing everything but seeing nothing . She walked to the oversized leather chair and sat down. She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself. A lost soul, a lost mind trying instinctively to protect herself.

After Lestrade left Sherlock went and got a blanket for molly . He gently wrapped it around her shoulders. He also started a fire. The flat could get chilly and he didn't want her to get sick on top of it. Molly gripped the blanket closer but made no other move. Sherlock let out a sound that could only be described as a sigh. He was not sure what to do next.

Walking over to John's chair since she had taken over his. He puled it closer to her. Molly's eyes darted over at the movement but that was all . No nervous jump no awkward speech. Sherlock realized that he missed her. Her endearing quirks , they walked hand in hand with her sharp mind and kind heart. He tried talking to her again for a few minutes but with no results. He stood up suddenly to go pace and think but at Molly' s flinching at the sudden movement. He sat back down and sighed again.


	14. Chapter 14 broken

Chapter 14

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain  
(Both amy lee and seether)  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away...  
You don't feel me here...  
Anymore...  
(Amy lee)  
The worst is over now and we can breathe again  
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away  
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain  
(Both)  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough- seether

After Molly had settled, Sherlock tried again to get up from the chair and this time did not startle his pathologist.(he gave up on NOT thinking of her in those terms) He knew he needed more data, caffeine, nicotine and help. He busied himself by starting a kettle for him and John. While it was heating up, he sat at the counter and opened the government's (no Mycroft's) file on Molly Hooper.

Molly had hinted at it but to see it in black and white. The long list of injuries, the nasty public divorce from her family, the trial and then the fallout of all of the abuse... Sherlock found his hand rubbing over his heart. As if that action could ease the pain he actually felt for her. The psychotic break at 13, the 2 attempted suicides at 14 and the slew of facilities that tried to help her heal. In all of the reports he saw only two things that were constants in Molly's life. Her uncanny gift for music and her insatiable curiosity were what had driven her recovery. So what had happened? The case definitely was stressful but had it been enough to trigger this ….shutdown?

Sherlock thought about it and replayed the night in his palace to figure it out. Molly had seemed fine, triumphant even, when she had told that monster off. She was fine till she got out of NSY. Then as they got to the curb it was as if she just broke. John had been in front of them cause he was walking beside Molly(he brushed off the sentiment that had him there at her elbow.) She had been looking around and then just stopped. Her expression had been one of terror or as if she had seen a ghost. Then she called his name and fainted. Sherlock did not notice anything or one out of the ordinary paying attention to them(once again brushed off the sentiment behind that too- deal with it later) so what had she seen?

He opened his eyes and grabbed the file again, this time opening up to the last page. Maybe Molly had seen a ghost. Her horrible family had been released from prison four days ago.

A while later John got back to the flat, Molly was curled up in the chair gently rocking herself. Following the smell of smoke he found Sherlock making coffee and smoking. Sherlock just handed over the file for him to read. He said not a word because he wanted John's opinion to be untainted by his own observations and deductions.

After John took the file from him, Sherlock rushed his words out so to not give John a chance to talk. "Cigrunbebackshortlywatchoverherineedsomeair." and he shot out of the flat, his coat billowing be hind him. His scarf left forgotten on the rack.

Thirty minutes he was back. Tesco bags in hand. John was surprised he had actually went and done shopping. After putting the supplies away he set up a fan at the kitchen window. He seemed even more manic than usual to John. Like he had absorbed Molly's energy as well as his own.

Once he had smoked another cigarette(John would chastise him later but not now) Sherlock walked back to were John was and just silently sat down. John's attention darted between both his friends. They were both in so much pain he wanted to weep for both of them. He closed his eyes because the tears would not be stopped. That both of them had been touched by betrayal at such young ages saddened him.

Wiping at his silent tears he opened his eyes to see Sherlock just watching him.

Sherlock opened his mouth to say something but closed it quickly. Running his hands through his hair, he gave a huff and tried again.

"John …. I am so out of my depth here. I read her file and I felt physically sick. I clenched my hand so tightly I drew blood. That her FAMILY could do that and allow that to happen to her …. it makes me want break things." Sherlock shook his head as if the drive away those thoughts but John saw how his hands shook as he lit up another cigarette. " I am truly furious for the second time in my life, I want to hurt everyone who has done this to her(John agreed wholeheartedly on that). I want to help her like you helped me. I just don't know how to proceed..Hell! I am not even sure as to why I want to do any of this in the first place!"

John had just started to smile and answer that burning question when they both noticed Molly. She was looking up at directly at them.

It had first been the sound of his voice, then the smells of coffee and cigarettes that roused her. Her mind processed the sounds and the smells and she slowly untangled herself from the chair and walked toward them. She grabbed Sherlock's coffee and his cigarettes and made her way back to the chair. Once she finished the coffee she lit up a cigarette and stared once again out to a point only she could see.

The boys were heartened (though Sherlock would never admit it) to see her respond to her own needs. Maybe they would be able to keep her out of an institution after all. Once she finished her smoke but before she folded back into herself, Sherlock walked up to her and held out his hand.

"Molly" - nothing after a deep breath he bent down so he could meet her eyes. Once she locked onto him he tired again.

Molly for her part only heard the tone of his voice. The words made no real impressions over the chaos inside her head, but to the part of her that was Dr. Molly Hooper, she fought. Fought to focus her strength on breaking away from the pain that had shut her away again from the real world. Sherlock had kept his hand out stretched and she just looked at him. Her real voice was telling her trust him and willed herself to just move and to take his hand.

Sherlock talked to Molly in low tones while showing her the flat. Molly for her part just walked behind him like a living zombie. That done she walked back to the chair and folded herself back into it. She had no clear thoughts but the fireplace was warm and the sights, smells and sounds of the flat soothed her. Before the guys knew it she had drifted off to sleep...too bad her rest didn't last long. The monsters wouldn't let it.

In the middle of explaining what he thought had happen to cause this break, he was cute short by Molly exploding out of the chair as if thrown from it. She was crying, holding out her hands begging with a ghost to let her be and to leave her alone. Her head snapped back at a remembered blow then she bowed over from a punch to her midsection from her past.

At the sight of the petite woman reliving her torment something in both Sherlock and John snapped. Both of them stood up to help her, but Sherlock's long strides at him to her first. Afraid of startling her out of her nightmare he stood in front of her repeatedly calling out her name. Just trying to reach her.

Molly's eyes flew open again but she was only vaguely aware of where she was. The monsters of her past had her. She could heard a voice telling her to come back to them(them?), that she was safe but she would never be safe. She wasn't whole and she would never be whole again. Her mind kept flashing back to the letters she received. Her poor excuse of a family had been released. Mike had once told her he would see her again. What he didn't realize was that for her … he never left. None of them had.

**-blink-**

Every time she wore something sexy. It always ended up with her feeling dirty like when he had used her. Same with make up she never felt good about it either "whore of Babylon" her mother used to called her before scrubbing the make up and a layer of skin off.

-**blink-**

The few boyfriends that she had manage to have; never truly understood why after sex, she would rush to the shower. They all put it down to OCD and let it go. Truth was the shower hid the sounds of retching and sobs that would rack her after the act.

**-blink-**

she had few friends because who would want to be near such a "freakish little pig like you."

As soon as the thought of friends faces started to flash across her mind.

A petite blonde with large eyes and warm smile.

A kind face with glasses and a hearty laugh.

A determined face with a cocky grin and salt and pepper hair.

A warm animated face with dark blonde hair and an aura of caring.

The last face that flashed before her eyes was of a dark curly haired bloke. He had quicksilver eyes and an even quicker mind. He had such cheekbones that Paris models would kill each other for.

These flashes bought back feelings of warmth acceptance and friendship. She wasn't alone in the world not truly. She looked between the two faces before her. She had that look on her face was the one she had when she was trying to puzzle something out. Sherlock took that as a good sign. Still talking softly he held out his hand. Molly made no move at first, so Sherlock stood there waiting for her to settle her internal struggle.

Molly kept looking at Sherlock's eyes, then his outstretched hand. Words came back to her "do you trust me?" straightening up she tentatively placed her hand back into his.

He walked her back to the chair and sat back down at the same time with her. Never letting go of her hand. He just kept talking to her about well nothing in particular because he wasn't sure what he should be talking about. He just knew that his voice calmed her.

After a while she finally dosed back off to sleep. Sure she would sleep peacefully for a while. Sherlock went back to talk to John.

If the situation hadn't been so sad, John would have smiled at the "obvious" confusion on his friends face. As it was he handed another cup of tea to his friend and both sat quietly watching their pathologist sleep.

John knew that Sherlock was still so new at sentiment or at last admitting that he was capable of it, that he needed some time to process it. He would have to realize on his own that Molly Hooper had become important to him like the rest of his friends maybe even more so.

So while Sherlock thought, John remembered "the fall" as he called it . He tried to imagine what Molly had to go through alone. While he, Greg and Mrs. Hudson had been made-safe- by their actions. Molly had opened herself up to be the sole target of Moriarty's men if her part in the charade had ever been found out.

Plus she had to carry the burden if knowing that Sherlock was alive and watching her friends go through the process of grieving unable to stop their pain. She had never given anything away. Everyone ,well all most everyone, had underestimated her. Now John understood how she had been able to do it. She had her love for Sherlock plus she had the strength of living through this. She did what was necessary to protect her friends(her chosen family?)She had not even hesitated. None of them deserved her. No one(well all most no one) had seen her true worth till now.

"you are quite right John." Sherlock's quite voice shocked the doctor into looking up.

"did I say all of that out loud?"

"all I heard was 'none of us deserve her.' You are so correct. She risked everything and all I have ever done for her is to hurt. At least you and Greg have been kind to her. I have all ways been awful but she still did not hesitate to help. She still doesn't hesitate. When I hit her and did this.." he threw up his bandaged hand as if it offended him. "she put aside her fear and her pain to help me."

John understood why Molly would risk everything but Sherlock ,well he didn't see it. Not yet at least and John wasn't going to be the one to clue him in.


	15. Chapter 15- the rose

Chapter 15

Some say love, it is a river  
That drowns the tender reed  
Some say love, it is a razer  
That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger  
An endless, aching need  
I say love, it is a  
And you, it's only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking  
That never learns to dance  
It's the dream, afraid of waking  
That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken  
Who cannot seem to give  
And the soul afraid of dyin'  
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely  
And the road has been too long  
And you think that love is only  
For the lucky and the strong

Just remember, in the winter  
Far beneath the bitter snows  
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love  
In the spring, becomes the rose

Janis Joplin

Sherlock seeing that John wasn't going to answer his question. He closed his eyes and tried to go to his mind palace. For him being so still and quiet his mind was not. He couldn't focus he couldn't even go through the front door. All he could do was stand outside of it. Feeling frustrated again that he couldn't access what he needed he turned around and look outward from the palace, onto the surrounding landscape. (that was new or had he never noticed it?)

Sherlock walked down the steps and into what looked like what should've been a formal garden but it was barren like a vengeful gardener had salted the ground. A closer inspection Sherlock Realized what he was actually seeing was what remained of his feelings. His life experiences had killed anything that would weaken his mind or could lead to confusion. Except in the center, there was one place left with color and life and like all things that appreciate beauty, Sherlock found himself drawn to it.

The garden was a riot of color. Everywhere he looked something else dazzled him. Walking up to a bed of daisies, he gently picked one and examined it. Immediately warmth, a sense of home, strength and motherly love. Mother and Mrs. Hudson. He picked few more then moved on.

The next bed he came to was a patch of English Ivy growing up a trellis. Curious he picked a small vine and examined it. Friendship, trust, dependability and affection – Ah Lestrade the one who saw me first, before all the others.

He gather a few sprigs of ivy and moved to the next bed. Surprising it was a bed of gypsum weed. An invasive plant that if not contained could over run all the plants around it. HE reached out and gathered a few of it beautiful blooms even if the plant belonged to Mycroft. He felt the caring if inept attempts to be a big brother but the sight of Croft in jeans and a t-shirt just being there warmed him again. Croft had finally got it right.

The next bed gave him pause. It was a good part of the garden and flowers of all kinds grew there. He strolled and picked flowers at random. Sweet-peas for laughter and humor. Carnations for companionship. Baby's breath for exasperation. Tiger lilies for affection. Cali lilies for loss. Dr. John Watson, the second one who had seen him.

That only left one section of color to explore. The scent of roses was everywhere. Molly's scent. Molly -the one who had seen him clearly. Looking around he saw so many types of roses.

Tentatively he touched one of the booms. What he experienced was music. A quartet piece that he had never heard before only seen on Molly's desk and listed on her iPod. " concerto b flat for guitar,violin and woodwinds." it was all most complete. All that was missing was the part for the violin. The counterpoint, the answer. The music was slow and building, then sad, then resolute, then sad again. Touching another bloom he examined what he felt. True acceptance as he was, happiness every time she saw him (till he opened his mouth at least) and her quiet heartbreak when she had said "i don't count." As Molly's concerto continued to play he looked over Molly's part of the garden. It had higher walls and was more protected than the rest. The roses for all their strength still needed the protection. The walls he noticed were the same as his palace. In the center of the space was a single rose bush that had blood black blooms. He reached out, touched it and immediately pulled his hand back. Blood smeared on his fingers from it. Not his blood but the flowers. He reached out ignored the blood and touched the bloom again.

The pain in her eyes- his guilt

the hope – his fear

the nerves – his pride

the manipulation – his greed

the fall – his need

the aftermath- his new found humanity

This one rose was actually them together and it was also something else. It was his own potential for feeling. Everything he had decided on the night his father died. Since getting clean, since throwing himself into his work, all his fears. This neglected garden was where all of his emotions should have flourished but had been stifled. It was separate from the palace but equally important for balance.

Taking the bouquet he had built he headed back up to the place again. This time the door opened easily. He went found a vase from an old case and placed it near the entrance. Then he turned around and walked out. What he had come to think about he had there was no need to hang about.

He opened his eyes and glanced at Molly (still sleeping)then to John. He was holding his head fighting off sleep. Sherlock got up and laid his hand on John's shoulders at the slight pressure, john raised up his head.

"I 've got first watch, go get some sleep. I'll call if she needs anything." before John could protest he continued. "we both need you to be at the top of your game so go!"

John grumbled a bit but got up and headed upstairs to bed.

Sherlock sat back down into his chair and thought about what he had just been through and how talking to John and surprisingly to Mycroft had started his healing process. He decided that his other dear friend (after what she had done how could she not be?!)deserved that level of honesty too but the thought of exposing so much of himself truly unnerved him. With a small smile he went to get something a little for fortifying than tea and a bit more nicotine. After his smoke he grabbed a tumbler of scotch for himself and a glass of water for her if she needed it.

He scooted John's chair closer to his and reached for the remote. A solitary clarinet sang out in the darkness. A beacon, Sherlock hoped, to show her they way back home. He turned the volume down so he could talk and gently took molly's hands and waited.

Molly became aware just a little bit. The music , her music , had finally registered and as it was with Sherlock. It stilled her mind. Her brothers vile voice was drowned out by melodies and crescendos then she heard someone talking to her and hands holding her own. She knew that warm butterscotch voice and focused on him. His words made no sense just the sound of his voice. Quiet and kept staring at their hands. Foccusing harder willing the monsters to stop , to go away. This was important those hands. She was scared it was another awful trick of her brothers gave those warm hands a quick squeeze.

Sherlock's breath stopped when she squeezed his hands. She hadn't looked up at him yet, she just sat there staring.


	16. Chapter 16 keep fighting

Chapter 16

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Jim Morrison

It still disturbed Sherlock that Molly hadn't not looked up at him but continued on telling her how he too had been through abuse and how it had shaped how he had lived his life up until. Now.

His words had finally started to reach Molly, his Molly. She understood that her was another damaged soul and he was trying his best to help her find her way back. When he talked about THE SHAME, THE OVERRIDING ANGER AND THE NEED FOR CLOSURE(of any kind) she squeezed his hand again. It was the only response she could give.

This time when he looked back up, molly was looking right at him. Her eyes were still alternating between aware and not. He gave her hands a quick squeeze back. "I know you are in there Molly...keep fighting." then he continued.

He surprised even himself. He found himself talking about his time dismantling Moriarty's network. The dangers he faced. What he had to do to get it all over with. He even admitted how alone he had felt (john would have been surprised and proud about that). He talked about how first John, then "the Fall" had even changed him more. He talked about how the past week had brought even more changes to him. He talked about he and Croft were trying to meet on common ground and rebuild their relationship. He even told her about the arrangement with John about the whole "sentiment issue."

The longer he talked, the quieter the voices in her head became. Molly, his Molly, DR Molly Hooper, was fighting for her freedom. The automaton that had her body was a childhood construct to protect her inner self from any more damage... it held all the pain, horror, anger and disappointment of her family. It would go away only when she felt safe. Only how was she going to get it to go away this time? Mike was out there waiting for her to just slip up and make a mistake. She, who had the brilliant Sherlock Holmes on speed dial, couldn't ask him for help. She couldn't even tell him what was going on., but she heard everything he said. Even though she was locked in her own head. She still loved him and hearing what he had been through and had shaped him, it broke her heart. The zombie cried silent tears. When one fell onto Sherlock's hand he stopped. Molly wasn't looking up so Sherlock gently raised her face with a finger under her chin.

The tears had made tracts down her cheeks and her eyes kept switching again between aware and being...other. He swallowed the hope he felt(he knew how dangerous that sentiment was) and whispered "Molly...?" and for one moment her gaze sharpened and Molly was back then she was gone again.

Molly screamed she all most had it. Then the fear had swamped her and Zombie had reasserted itself.

Seeing that spark of intelligence (he had seen it hadn't he) even for a moment kept Sherlock talking. Until he noticed that Molly had drifted off . When he tried to release her hand. Her grip tightened on his. Thinking about it , he gently lifted her out of the chair and carried her into his room. He laid her down on his bed and gently pried his hand out of hers. Molly seemed to become agitated when his hand had left hers. He watched her for another minute then walked around and settled onto the other side of the bed. He reached for her hand and wrapped his fingers around her smaller ones. Not planning on sleeping Sherlock's last thought was one of surprise as sleep claimed him.


	17. Chapter 17 bring me to life

Chapter 17

How can you see into my eyes  
like open doors.  
Leading you down into my core  
where I've become so numb.  
Without a soul  
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
until you find it there and lead it back home.  
(Wake me up.  
Wake me up inside.  
I can't wake up.  
Wake me up inside.  
Save me.  
Call my name and save me from the dark.  
Wake me up.  
my blood to run.  
I can't wake up.  
Before I come.  
Save me.  
Save me from the nothing I've become.)  
Now that I know what I'm without  
you can't just leave me.  
Breathe into me and make me real  
Bring me to life.  
Frozen inside without your touch,  
without your love, darling.  
Only you are the life among the dead.  
All of this sight  
I can't believe I couldn't see  
Kept in the dark  
but you were there in front of me  
I've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.  
I've got to open my eyes to everything.  
Without a thought  
Without a voice  
Without a soul  
Don't let me die here  
There must be something wrong.  
Bring me to life.  
Bring me to life.  
I've been living a lie  
There's nothing inside.

Bring me to life

evanescence – bring me to life

John woke up first. Upset that Sherlock had not woke him up for his shift. He went into the living room and stopped neither one of them were there. Had something happened that Sherlock had to take her to the hospital? No, he would have woke him up if that had been the case. Any way his coat was still on the rack. So walking back to Sherlock's room he gently pushed the door open. Music was still playing in the flat (must be on repeat) and …. what?

John's mouth opened into a silent O . there on Sherlock's bed were both of them. Sherlock had both arms around their pathologist while one hand was still holding one of her hands. Both were sleeping soundly. Putting a hand over his mouth to stifle his giggles he quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. Then he went back to the kitchen shutting the door and left them both to rest some more.

Sherlock was the next to wake... albeit a couple of hours later. Molly had not moved. She was still wrapped in his arms and sleeping peacefully. He didn't move he just studied her. She all ways surprised him. Had he ever seen her clearly? Here she was sleeping , trusting him to keep her safe. Even all that he had put her through she still trusted him. Stilled cared for him. She was any thing but ordinary. His thoughts took an unexpected turn. He realized that she felt like she belong there. She fit perfectly. He shook his head at that thought. His movement jarred Molly and she slowly started to wake up.

At first there was panic , her breathing sped up, her heart she thought would jump out of her chest. Breathing deeply she recognized a familiar smell and one amazed word fell from her lips. "Sherlock?"

That one word galvanized Sherlock. He looked directly into her face. Her eyes were aware. She saw him. She was back. The feeling of joy (he knew that sentiment as well) had him cupping her face. A look of pure happiness was on his face and before he knew it he had leaned in and kissed her.

In the space of a heartbeat her panic had transformed into sheer panic.

Sherlock was KISSING HER! Kissing her as if his life depended on it. For one moment she didn't respond then she melted into his embrace and responded to him.

The minute she responded Sherlock became aware of what had happened. He ended the kiss gently (once again john would be proud) and caught his breath. He just looked at Molly. His hands were still on her face and he just looked at her gently and he whispered her words back to her from a lifetime ago. "hey you, welcome back."

Molly smiled at the phrase she had used when he had woken up from being dead. Then her face saddened . " how long was I gone this time. Sherlock? I only have vague memories after NSY."

He pulled his hands away from her face and got out of the bed. "It was only a night Molly." he hated to ask the next question but his mind demanded the answer. "when had.. has this happened before?"

Molly scooted until she was sitting against his headboard. She closed her eyes. She had hoped to never have to deal with this again..._ no, maybe it was time she really dealt with it instead of running away. _

As she opened her mouth to start talking, her stomach announced it's presence. It growled loud enough that even Sherlock heard it. It brought Molly to giggles and after a few seconds even Sherlock was joining in.

"OK Molly first lets get you fed." he thought some more, "I tell you what you hop into the shower and I'll get john to start some lunch for us and after you are showered and fed, then we can talk."

Molly agreed she felt grimy from sleeping in her clothes. The smell of morgue still clung to her hair.

"um Sherlock that's fine but I don't have any thing to change into." Her smile was a bit sheepish. She was adorable.

Sherlock smiled at that thought and informed her that John had went and gathered some clothes for her from her flat last night and that her cat was fine as well.

She stood up and walked toward the bathroom. She stopped next to Sherlock and placed a tentative hand to his arm. She looked up until she reached his eyes. Her tongue darted out to moisten her suddenly dry lips. She missed the slight dilation of his pupils at that sight. She leaned in and in a quiet voice told him the truth. "thank you for bringing me back. You made and make me feel safe... it is the only way that the Zombie would have ever gone away. I'll tell you about it all, but only once." Sherlock nodded and Molly went in to start what would she knew would be a very very long day.


	18. Chapter 18 hell is for children

Chapter 18

They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears  
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears  
Forgive and forget, all the while  
Love and pain become one and the same  
In the eyes of a wounded child  
Because hell  
Hell is for children  
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess  
Hell  
Hell is for children  
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

Its all so confusing, this brutal  
They blacken your eyes, and then apologize  
You're daddy's good girl, and don't tell mommy a thing  
Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy  
Tell grandma you fell off the swing

Pat Benatar- hell is for children

After showering and putting on fresh clothes, Molly started to head into the kitchen. She felt so embarrassed that they had witnessed her … episode. She didn't even look up she really didn't want to see their faces but then stopped her self. If she could not explain to her closest friends why they had to go through last night; then she didn't deserve them. They had brought her to their flat and had been willing to take care of her indefinitely. No questions asked, no answers available until she snapped out of it. They earned to know why. Shaking her head she raised it up and met John's caring smiling face.

"welcome back. Hungry?"

At his natural tone and non pitting face, she walked over and gave him a hug. While squeezing him tight she whispered into his ear. " thank you for everything John. And especially for being my friend." since her face was buried next to John's ear she didn't see the face that Sherlock pulled- but John did. Pulling away from the slight woman. He cleared his throat(it had gotten a bit choked up) and wiped away the tears that her heart felt words had caused. Looking over again at his best friend mischief lit up in his eyes. With a sweeping gesture he grabbed Molly's hand and bent over it like an old world gentleman and kissed it.

"My dear Molly thank you for being mine."

Molly knowing his was being funny (but not why) waved his silliness off. Some of her apprehension eased she looked around the kitchen. "so chief whats for lunch?"

"home made hamburgers and chips."

"sounds great I am starving!" She then turned her eyes to the rest of the room. Sherlock was standing at the window just watching her and John. He looked

Perplexed or mad to Molly's eyes. Scared it was because of all the bother she had caused, she walked over to him. As she approached he turned to look out the windows.

"Sherlock... I am sorry for the..um.. disruption I caused last night." (breathe Molly you can do this) but I want to say.. thank you. For taking care of me, for dealing with how ever I acted last night and for (_,dear god he is staring at me I am never going to be able to do this- YES YOU CAN MOLLY HOOPER- just breathe!) _making me feel safe. I don't know if I would have made it back so quickly without that. I just wanted you to know that I consider it an honor to call you my friend." She smiled up into his somewhat stunned face. then surprised him again by stepping in front of him and winding her arms through his arms and around his waist.

At first Sherlock wasn't sure what to do with himself. Then with out a conscious thought his arms wrapped around her shoulders and he returned her hug. He lowered his head down until it rested on Molly's. He struggled (_what is this I never struggle with words!) _to figure out what he wanted to say. In the end he just said what was the truth.

"No, Molly, it is I that is honored to call you mine." a small sigh, just a little more than an exhalation left him, and he just stood there holding her. Relived she was back and determined that her personal horror would not touch her again. Not as long as he was around.

What neither of them saw was John snapping a picture of both of them standing in front of the window. Silhouettes in the light and he thought of how they both deserved to be there. In the light of a new day.

**Author's note: so I know not a big chapter but I wanted the guys to have a moment in the sun before we head into molly's past. Thank you all for all the kind reviews and follows they mean the world to me. They really do. Next chapter should be up soon it's in my head and screaming to be unleashed but it is the chapter that I am scared of so bear with me. **

**Laters!**

**-dga**

**side note upon rereading this chapter the plot bunnies gave birth- how cool would be if there was a story where we could hear the thoughts of sh and he hear what we were writing. You get brownie points if you figure out where the bunnies gave birth at!**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

We dreamers have our ways  
Of facing rainy days  
And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm  
Protect them from the storm  
Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears  
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain  
I kept my world protected  
I made it through the rain  
I kept my point of view  
I made it through the rain  
And found myself respected  
By the others who  
Got rained on too  
And made it through

When friends are hard to find  
And life seems so unkind  
Sometimes you feel so afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds  
And rise above the crowds  
And start your own parade

Cause when I chased my fears away  
That's when I knew that I could finally say

Barry Manilow – I made it through the rain.

Lunch was a quiet affair with muted general conversation between John and Molly. Sherlock for his part ate in silence and just watched them both. Molly ever aware when those laser like eyes watched her did her best to gather her thoughts, reply to John's comments and not completely fall apart. Once molly finished her meal she took her dishes back to the sink. Spying Sherlock's cigs she picked them up and flashed them at Sherlock. A silent do you mind look on her face. Sherlock just dipped his head in answer. After the first drag she sighed. "might need a run before I get started going to need a lot of nicotine and coffee for this." Another slow drag and she smiled over to John and Sherlock. "make you a deal Sherlock don't rag me about my smoking today and I will give you a pass on my nagging you about your smoking for the next month, and so will John."

Sherlock's eyebrows climbed up, _how had she figured that was what I was going to say?,_and he quickly closed his mouth. John just sputtered "why am I included in your deal? I don't smoke so have every right to nag!"

Molly snubbed out her smoke and just laughed at his out rage. "to sweeten the deal, John. So I am going to pop down to Tesco's and grab some of my brand (full flavored cigs had never been her vice – no that was the tall drink of water over at the kitchen table) and some more food." She made to go and get her coat. "I should be back in 30 minutes give or take."

a low grumble hit her back. "Molly..."

"no I need to go out there to show them. They didn't break me. They all most did back then, but I am not the same little girl I was."

She got down to the bottom of the stairs and just stared at the door. Then the panic set in, her mind raced of what could happen if they were out there. For five minutes she stood there before she turned around to ask for one of them to accompany her. She never had to. Sherlock was standing behind her, his coat and scarf all ready on, just waiting for her to open the door. Molly's smile split her face that he was there and she walked confidently outside.

The walk to Tesco's was quiet. Both of them lost in their own thoughts. Molly picked up what she needed and they both headed back to the flat. She got food to actually cook tonight because no way after this was she stepping out of Baker st, for a while. She might look calm to the passersby but inside she was terrified and the only one who noticed – eyes to wide, smile too forced, hands slightly unsteady at the pin machine- was not sure how to help her with it. So he stayed close to her watching for anything that could harm her.

Molly knew the moment he figured out on the way to Tesco's that she wasn't completely OK. He slowed his pace and was all most elbow to elbow with her. He hovered. It brought a true smile to her face that even though he didn't express sentiment verbally, his actions gave him away all most every time.

Her smile faltered when she realized just what was to happen next. She had made a promise and the time was upon her to follow through with it. She started worrying her bottom lip, thinking about what their reactions to her story would be. Would they believe her or scoff- _stop that this instance Molly Hooper! this is Sherlock Holmes and John Watson you are talking about. Sherlock may scoff about your looks and deduce you in a glance and he can be thoughtlessly cruel but he is your friend. So have some faith and john well he is a doctor. He will have seen this all before. _She was shaking her head at the internal chewing out she had just given herself. Did she think so poorly of herself after all this time, that she still believed no one truly wanted to be her friend? Maybe so. She was so deep in her thoughts that she walked past the door to the flat. Sherlock broke through to her with an "ah Molly flats this way." While hooking his thumb in the direction of the door.

Molly just chuckled as she stepped past him into the flat an embarrassed "oops" was all she said. She missed the smile that touched Sherlock's face or the amused shake of his head.

She went straight up , the relief she felt being back here was immediate. Mrs. Huston met her at the top of the stairs. She got a very happy, if awkward hug, from the landlady and made her way back into the flat. Put up the food stuff for later and she sat down in the leather chair but she couldn't settle. Getting up she grabbed the ashtray (pretty piece of crystal) and walked over to the stereo. Ejecting the disc and seeing it was one of hers (breathe there girl he still can't play remember – it 's only been a week) she smiled. She replaced the disc and tried to figure out how to make the machine work. Do all stereos have this many buttons and knobs?

"No but this model is designed to record and play music in a recording studio so it is a bit more complicated than others." Sherlock's answer to her muttered thoughts, made her jump. Then she started giggling holding her sides she went and sat back down. "of course it is Sherlock. Couldn't be something simple now could it."

Seeing this teasing Molly Hooper looking up at him, happy for the moment even if at his expense, made him smile. At her correct deductions he dipped his head. "quite right." Then the soft sounds of her clarinet filled the flat.

That's when Molly's eyes landed on the envelope that bore her name at the top. Her giggles stopped abruptly. Her hand reached up to touch it but pulled back as if it burned. Sherlock knowing what she had seen walked over and sat down in John's chair. He turned to his best friend "John …"

Hearing Sherlock call his name he walked over grabbed the chair to the desk and pulled it up next to his two closet friends

Her eyes kept jumping between the two of them. The thought of what could possibly be in that slim file had turned her blood cold. Her voice cracked when she finally asked. "Why do you have a file on me, Sherlock?"

"I don't Molly."

"then what is that clippings from my most riveting postmortems?"

John came to his friends rescue. "molly that came from Mycroft."

"WHAT! You mean to tell me that the British Government has a file on me! And he has seen what's inside!"

Holding his hands out he explained. "I talked to Mycroft about what happened at the beginning of this week with you two and I mentioned what you said to me. How you have had worse. While we were dealing with everything about Sherlock's hand his pa brought this to him. He never read it. He gave it to us in case we ever needed the information within."

Molly felt relieved that Mycroft Holmes had not seen the pictures but knew after last night her friends had. "then you both know what happened."

Sherlock scooted his chair a little closer and reached out and took Molly's hand into his own. "no Molly we do not. We know cold facts. What we all need is for you to tell us. So I um uh we can help you." She stared at their hands and a memory floated back to her. Of what he had told her about himself last night. What he had been through. Her much bruised heart ached for the man holding her hand. Tears dropped from her eyes and she bowed her head.

Well Sherlock understood what the tears were for. "you remembered, how much?"

"all of it." but she didn't look up. She didn't want them to see her weep over the childhood he had.

Sherlock took his free hand and raised her face back up. His smile was gentle (john was surprised but then Sherlock was all ways surprising) and when she finally returned that smile. He dropped his hand from her face. "Thank you for the tears you shed on my behalf Molly but please I can not bear to be the cause of them so dry your eyes. For me."

Molly after she closed her mouth (did he just say that?) wiped the tears away with her free hand. He still hadn't released her other hand and she didn't think he was going to. She sat there just thinking, worrying her bottom lip. When Sherlock broke into her thoughts once again.

"Molly, you need to tell the story of what happened. To exorcise the demons as it were. We are both here for you." John reached out and grabbed Molly's other hand and gave it a warm squeeze. "you are our friend (chosen family) you matter to us, so trust us both to be here for whatever you need."

She sat there and looked at her dearest friends, the man she loved and the unexpected surprise of her close friend John Watson. She cleared her throat and began to speak...

**author's note- OK so got some plot bunnies taken care of with this chapter lose ends that needed to be addressed. And yes it is a Barry Manilow song at the beginning of this chapter – it got me through a lot growing up and was right for this chapter so don't be hating on my man (the man my first fandom sigh) next chapter soon. So show me some love or hate **

**laters**

**-dga**


	20. Chapter 20 healing begins

Chapter 20

So you thought you had to keep this up  
All the work that you do  
So we think that you're good  
And you can't believe it's not enough  
All the walls you built up  
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down  
There's freedom waiting in the sound  
When you let your walls fall to the ground  
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh  
This is where the healing starts  
When you come to where you're broken within  
The light meets the dark  
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out  
Everything that you hide  
Can come crashing through the door now  
But too scared to face all your fear  
So you hide but you find  
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down  
There's freedom waiting in the sound  
When you let your walls fall to the ground  
We're here now  
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh  
This is where the healing starts  
When you come to where you're broken within  
The light meets the dark  
The light meets the dark

tenth avenue fourth – healing begins

**Authors note warning for triggers about abuse, please read with care, I don't want to trigger flashback for anyone. This chapter is molly's life and partially my own and hopefully we both will start to heal after the demons have been exorcised.**

Then she closed her mouth again. Every protective instinct told her not to do this but she had to. If she ever wanted to have peace she had to. She looked down at her hands still being held by these dear dear men. When she looked back up she smiled at both of them with all her love showing and gently pulled her hands away. She grabbed her pack and lit a smoke up after the first drag she truly started her story.

I couldn't tell you the moment it started for me. It seemed that it began before we were ever born. To hear my mother talk about her pregnancy with us we were fighting from the moment we were conceived. My earliest memories are of pain. At the age of 2 he stabbed me in the hand with a steak knife. Then the next memory is of Him shoving me down a flight of stairs at the age of 4, dislocating my hip and the week after wards that I was made to walk on it because my parents didn't believe me. That was the start of it all. the next incident was when I was five, the painful descent into deafness. I lost a good deal of skin because I didn't answer them and was punished for it. I also lost 95 % of my hearing before they took me to a doctor and found out I was telling the truth. Well thought Sherlock that explains why she cocks her head to one side sometimes and why he stares at peoples mouths. She is lip reading as a back up to her hearing. He just nodded his head and she continued.

The next thing to happen was when he crushed my hand in a closet door, it required 20 stitches to close the gash, but i was the one who got in trouble for disrupting their party. By the time I was eight I felt that my brother hated me and my parents really didn't care about me either. I hid in the closet to get away from him away from him randomly hitting me spending time playing in the dark with only a flashlight to break it.. I only could escape him at school, my few friends houses and summer church camp. I by the time it really started I was desperate to feel like I was loved. Molly paused in her narrative angry with her self for the desperation of any crumb of affection that her parents and her brother gave her. She looked at Sherlock, how history had repeated it self there.

I can't help feel that I caused it. She held up her hands to stop their protests. If I hadn't been following him around like a moon struck calf maybe he wouldn't have done what he did. But history can not be rewritten no matter how you wish it were so.

Molly's agitation at her own words got to be too much, so she stood up and started pacing the flat. Her boys could only watch as she battled with the words that were coming next.

It was late at night when it first happened. We were up past bedtime watching some crap movie on the telly. I was stretched out on the couch enjoying it. When he walked over and said move over. Not sure what he was up to I complied. He settled in behind me and turned the channel to one of those adult ones. I groused at him that I had been watching that and he said it was boring and this show was much more interesting.

Molly paused again and lit up another smoke. She ran her hand through her hair and refused to make eye contact with either of them. She went to the window and smoked and after it was done went and sat back down with the boys. John just looked at her and asked if she would like some tea.

"oh god yes that would be lovely, John." John went into the kitchen and busied him self with that and left the two of them alone. Molly looked over at Sherlock. He had his eyes closed but still knew when her gaze was on him. He opened his eyes and looked at her closely. Hands twisting, bottom lip all most bloody, eyes sad so sad. At her eyes Sherlock felt his heart actually ache for her.(no much for the theory that he didn't have one. It had been dis proven time and time again) sensing the next part was going to be the hardest. He reached out his hand, holding it there for to take. His offer of support. Molly still surprised at this more understanding Sherlock reached out and intertwined their fingers. He had to lean in to hear her next words. "don't hate me when this is over."

"never my dear Molly. I told you once you counted and that you all ways had. Your story is not going to change how I feel about you in the slightest bit." he squeezed her hand "continue..."

Molly's heart had sputtered at the endearment(down girl) and so braced by his words she continued.

As the show, no porno, had went on. Mike had explained that what they were seeing was how people expressed love and affection to each other. I had never seen anything like that before being only 8. but my body had all ready started puberty and I felt something...

watching the telly.

What I found out later was that Mike had all ready learned about sex and had lost his virginity to some 13 year old girl. And here I was breasts way to big for my frame following him around like a fool.

Well he kept talking to me about how that what I was seeing was affection and he started to touch me like they were on the show. Asking if I wanted affection from him like that. By then I would have agreed to anything to feel loved and here he was offering to give what I so wanted to me. So he stripped me down and got back upon the couch on top of me. He old me to open my legs and he rubbed himself on me. I wish I could say it felt awful but it didn't. Then he pushed himself into me. I bit my tongue to keep from crying out. I felt invaded and he just whispered how he loved it and how I felt so good to him, then he started to move. It didn't take him long to finish and once done. He curled up around me mumbling how he loved me like this. It was the first time I felt that he did love me. A sob broke from Molly at that. Tears streamed from her eyes. The shame of what she had to say next ate at her. She looked up half way expecting a look of pity on Sherlock's face but what she saw warmed her heart. Sherlock was crying tears had ran down his cheeks and he seemed not to even noticed them. She wanted to just throw herself into his arms and cry for the girl she had been. She didn't. The time for that would be after this part of the nightmare was over.

It continued for four years, till I was twelve. He was still hateful and hurtful but I still let him show that he did "love me" when ever he wanted. He liked to sneak into my room at night waking me up by saying "time to play." and I let him do whatever he wanted because it made me feel good, real good. And it told me he loved me. It even got to the point he with held it from me as punishment and I sought him out and instigated it. At this point john had come back in with the tea but Molly's stomach had rebelled she lurched out of the chair and ran to the loo. Her breakfast came back up in waves. John went to see if he could help and Sherlock grabbed a smoke and lit up. He walked to the window and just stared out into nothing. To feel so unloved to be willing to submit to that how awful. At least he had his Mum and Croft growing up, Molly had no one.

After catching her breath and brushing her teeth she went back out into the room. She quietly sat down and sipped on her tea to soothe her throat.

Sherlock and john both walked back to her and st down. He cleared his throat. "and you say this continued till you were 12?" and her nod he pressed on. "so what changed you stopped it at age 12, so what changed?"

I met the first man who would change my life. Mr. Henry Douglas. My clarinet instructor. He gave me my first taste of true acceptance as well as giving me the gift of music. I met him when I was 10 when he came to sign students up for orchestra. In the next 2 years I practiced till my mouth bled. He all ways encouraged me and believed in me. Under him I started to believe in myself. The last time mike tried to show me affection he tried to force me to do oral sex on him, and it was like a light went off. I saw what he had been doing to me and how that was not how it should be. I fought him off and told him to stop to never touch me again and that I would tell Mummy and Daddy. He just laughed and said for me to go ahead they would never believe me and he was right. They never did.


End file.
